Pope Francis is missing (35 times the safety level)

In Beijing, because pollution has reached 35 times the safety level, children have been ordered to stay home. This could mean a delay for anyone who ordered a new iPhone. –Conan O’Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

This is the first speaker of the house to have any facial hair since Republican Frederick Jillette, who led the house from 1919 until 1925! Now incidentally, Paul Ryan is also the first politician in 100 years to have a beard that isn't his wife. –James Corden

Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken.

Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, "Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten." –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie said that if elected president, he would not rule out waterboarding. Then he said, "Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken." –Conan O’Brien

Forecasters say El Niño should bring much-needed rain to California. Meanwhile, Donald Trump said if elected president he won’t let El Niño into the country. –Conan O’Brien

U up?

In a recent interview, Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword. –Jimmy Fallon

It seems like as the election goes on, we’re actually starting to learn more about all of the candidates. For instance, I just saw that Chris Christie prefers texting to making phone calls. But I guess it starts to get annoying when he keeps texting "U up?" to Domino’s. –Jimmy Fallon

The Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton's maiden name “Rodham” in articles about her, nor will they call her “Mrs. Clinton” anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name “Lady Voldemort.”. –Jimmy Fallon

from the comfort of your brand new full-body cast

Paul Ryan has become the first Speaker of the House in over 90 years to grow a beard. Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is the first presidential candidate to sport a chocolate milk mustache. –Conan O’Brien

If you went shopping on black Friday, I assume you are watching this on a brand new 60-inch flat screen from the comfort of your brand new full-body cast. –James Corden

I don't think people who participate in black Friday are there for the bargains. It seems like they go for a socially acceptable excuse to punch a stranger in the face. –James Corden

I personally am so excited about cyber Monday. I've been sleeping in a tent outside my computer since Friday. –James Corden

Don't come in here!

Today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!" –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump claimed to have "many Muslim friends." However, when asked for specific names, the only one he could come up with was "The Genie from 'Aladdin.'" –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump’s popular "Make America Great Again" hats are actually made at a California factory that employs Mexican immigrants. Even more embarrassing for Trump, his hair is made by Syrian refugees. –Conan O’Brien

You know the 76ers are bad when...

The Philadelphia 76ers set a new record for the longest losing streak in American sports history, with 28 losses in a row since last season. You know the 76ers are bad when THEY leave the game early to beat traffic. –Jimmy Fallon

But the big basketball story right now is Kobe Bryant. Last night, Kobe announced that he will be quitting professional basketball. That's right - he's signing with the Philadelphia 76ers. –Jimmy Fallon

Lakers legend Kobe Bryant announced he’ll retire at the end of the season. Meanwhile, the rest of the Lakers announced they quit playing a month ago. –Conan O’Brien

A Thanksgiving Prayer from the Conquered

A Thanksgiving Prayer from the Conquered

Yellow Lark, Lakota Chief

Oh, Great Spirit,
whose voice I hear in the winds
and whose breath gives life
to all the world, hear me.
I am small and weak.
I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes
ever behold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made
and my ears sharp to hear your voice.

Make me wise so that I may understand
the things you have taught my people.
Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength, not to be superior to my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy – myself.

Make me always ready to come to you
with clean hands and straight eyes,
so when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my spirit will come to you without shame.