There is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno 



"Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries." –Conan O'Brien
 


"Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve." –Conan O'Brien 



John Hulse photography

The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity.

"Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding." –Jay Leno



"Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'" –Jay Leno 



"A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse photography

If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote!

"Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain." –Jay Leno 


"Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote." –Jay Leno





"According to new poll done by '60 minutes,' 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney?

"How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney." –David Letterman 



"Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is." –David Letterman 



"So now that Michele Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with the best hairdo." –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

From the man who brought you Sarah Palin!

"John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15." –Conan O'Brien 



"In her concession speech, Michele Bachmann said, 'I mean what I say.' Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye." –Conan O'Brien 

John Hulse painting

Old white guy Mardi Gras

"Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull." –Conan O'Brien



"There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant." –Conan O'Brien 



"Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, 'old white guy Mardi Gras.'" –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?

"The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?" –Jay Leno



"The independent Super PAC supporting Mitt Romney announced it would suspend anti-Newt Gingrich ads during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They said they're doing it out of respect to Gingrich, his family, and his mistresses." –Jay Leno



"The pro-adultery website ashleymadison.com - have you heard of this? It's a website for married people that want to cheat. Anyway, they have come out and endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I guess it's their way of thanking him for all the years of business." –Jay Leno



"Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample." –Jay Leno





John Hulse painting