He's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down

"He’s so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie.'" –Jon Stewart, struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann's husband,  Marcus Bachmann



"Of course I’d like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.'" –Jerry Seinfeld, playing Jon Stewart's Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show



John Hulse painting

Eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion

"It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos." –Jay Leno



"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today he's going back to the thing he does best. No, not that thing; the other thing. He's going to star in a new Western. I think it's called 'Butch Cassiday and the Illegitimate Kid.' 'Somebody has to clean up this town. Who's going to clean it up? Where's the maid?'" –Craig Ferguson



"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon 



John Hulse painting

She's talking about me, right?

"Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let's ban pornography." –David Letterman



"Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?" –David Letterman 



"Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

But you keep letting them get away with murder

"Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who’s killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder." –Bill Maher, comparing Republicans to the Casey Anthony jury



"A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Isn't that the marriage pledge?" –Jay Leno 



"The British government may cancel Rupert Murdoch's $14 billion satellite deal because they've discovered that he's evil." –Craig Ferguson



Visibility was so bad that police were hassling white people...

"In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. In Arizona they said visibility was so bad that police were hassling white people." –Bill Maher



"I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn't. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann." –Bill Maher

"If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican." –Bill Maher



If the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English

"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno 



"You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date." –Jay Leno



John Hulse photography

Home births are up 20% in the United States

"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno



"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno



"A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the United States. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno



John Hulse photography