"The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money." –David Letterman
"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." –Bill Maher
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