JOKES: It turns out that Donald Trump sometimes doesn’t tell the truth (most shocking news)

The New York Times has published an article alleging that Trump’s advisers were talking to senior Russian officials during the entire election. The most shocking news to come out of this is that Trump has advisers. –James Corden

Kind of felt like he was just winging it the whole time, didn’t it? I mean to be honest, this is a fairly complicated story. Let me boil it down to just the main idea: It turns out that Donald Trump sometimes doesn’t tell the truth. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: That’s OK, I like being dominated (What Buck?)

At the box office this past weekend, “Lego Batman” beat out the sequel to “Fifty Shades of Grey.” When asked for comment, the movie “Fifty Shades” said, “That’s OK, I like being dominated.” –Conan O’Brien

Astronomers say they now know the approximate weight of the Milky Way. They found this out by adding 10 pounds to the Milky Way’s weight on its Tinder profile. –Conan O’Brien

Thieves in London made off with $3 million worth of rare books from the Middle Ages. Authorities describe the suspect as “boring.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

JOKES: Nyet! I mean, no! (Dubya's Disaster or Cheney's Catastrophe)

The big story is that last night, The New York Times published a bombshell report that President Trump’s campaign was in contact with Russian intelligence since 2015. When asked if it was true, Trump said, “Nyet! I mean, no!” –Jimmy Fallon

ABC just announced that Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney, will be the first African-American to star as “The Bachelorette.” Even more impressive, she’s the first bachelorette with a real job! –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Elle King just revealed that she ate a bunch of pot muffins before the Grammys this year. Yeah, people noticed that she seemed high when she went up to make her acceptance speech — you know, ’cuz she didn’t win any awards. –Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Harry Potter and the Iraq Study Group

"Hillary Clinton's making calls, hiring staff and getting ready to travel to Iowa to launch her campaign. She'll be on the road nonstop for the next two years. How is Bill going to manage stuck home all alone? He's going to be heartbroken." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney has a gay daughter, Mary. Well, she's pregnant. Wow, that's going to be a shotgun wedding. Apparently, it all began with a romantic evening at home, watching a DVD of 'Xena: Warrior Princess.'" --Jay Leno

"I don't think President Bush understands these things. When they told President Bush that Dick Cheney's gay daughter was pregnant, he said, 'It's a Christmas miracle.'" --Jay Leno

"The Iraq Study Group report came out today and was released as a book this morning. And after only a few hours, it soared to number 18 on Amazon's best seller list. They even got President Bush to buy a copy because they called it 'Harry Potter and the Iraq Study Group.'" --Conan O'Brien

At this point in her marriage, this is somebody who's probably used to being embarrassed

"First Lady Laura Bush shelled out $8,500 for this Oscar De La Renta gown to wear to the Kennedy Center Honors. Unfortunately, so did a bunch of other women. At this point in her marriage, this is somebody who's probably used to being embarrassed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It is in book form and entitled, 'The Way Forward -- A New Approach,' a stark contrast from the book Bush had been operating from, 'Deeper and Deeper into the Hole That I Myself Have Dug.'" --Jon Stewart, on the Iraq Study Group report

"Yesterday, Defense Secretary nominee Robert Gates went before the Senate Armed Service Committee. To win his confirmation, he sought a new approach to impress the senators [on screen: Gates saying he does not believe the U.S. is winning the war in Iraq]. Woah. A two-word honest answer. You had us at 'We're losing.'" --Jon Stewart

the tree was trying to distance itself from President Bush (morning after pill)

"The Christmas tree at the White House fell over. Actually, it didn't fall over. What happened was President Bush was standing next to it when a photographer walked in. I guess the tree was trying to distance himself from President Bush." --Jay Leno

“The long anticipated Iraq Study Group report was delivered to President Bush this week. He promised to take it just as seriously as all the other Iraq reports stuffed down between his desk and the wall.” --Amy Poehler

"You know the part of the Iraqi report that concerns President Bush the most? Having to read it." --Jay Leno

"Exciting news from the White House. Vice President Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, who is a lesbian, is pregnant. I think President Bush is a little confused about the big news. He immediately called the Lebanese Ambassador to pass on his congratulations." --Jay Leno

this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American

"The idiot president of Iran is holding a conference on whether or not the Holocaust actually took place. The good news? The conference is being catered by Taco Bell." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has received a copy of the 96-page Iraq Study Group report. When they gave it to him, President Bush said, 'Don't tell me how it ends.' They said, 'Uh, it doesn't.'" --Jay Leno

"The 2008 presidential race is already underway. Over the weekend, Senator Barack Obama visited New Hampshire and thousands of people showed up to hear him speak. The New Hampshire crowds were excited, because apparently, this is the first time they've ever seen an African-American." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans used their last days in power to pass last-minute tax cuts, expand oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico, clear GOP leadership of wrongdoing in the Mark Foley scandal, and pardon Hitler." --Jon Stewart