Wednesday, August 31, 2016
I'm going to build a speed bump and make Taco Bell pay for it (Siri, how will I die?)
Papa
John’s has announced it will be coming out with an app for Apple TV that will
allow customers to order pizza from their screen. You get a soda, breadsticks,
and a large pizza when you say, “Siri, how will I die?” –Seth Meyers
Sarah
Palin just posted on Facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something
called “Rock-running.” Not sure what rock-running is, but I think it’s when you
jog while playing air guitar. Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Don’t
worry, she’s OK or, you know, the same. –Stephen Colbert
Trump
is planning a major immigration policy speech Wednesday in Arizona. Now, he was
originally supposed to give it last Thursday in Colorado, so it moved later and
further south. If he delays it again, it’s Monday at the Panama Canal. –Stephen
Colbert
will it be the kind, intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists? (pants on fire)
Former
Texas governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry is a contestant. Perry is
very publicly opposed to gay marriage. So, if you’re wondering who’s going to
have the worst hair and makeup on Dancing with the Stars, you’ve got your
answer. –James Corden
Hillary
Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential
debate, and told reporters, quote, “I do not know which Donald Trump will show
up.” Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will
it be the one who exists? –Seth Meyers
An
African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out
a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of
pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote,
“untrue” and “wack as hell, dawg.” –Seth Meyers
It’s basically Game of Thrones for your mom
At
a track meet last weekend, a 100-year-old woman won a gold medal in her age
group in the 100-meter dash. Her opponents dropped out of the race in 1987.
–Conan O’Brien
Ryan
Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s “Dancing with
the Stars.” The theme of this season is “Dumb.” –Conan O’Brien
Today
“Dancing with the Stars” has revealed the cast for its upcoming 23rd season. If
you’re not familiar with “Dancing with the Stars,” it’s basically “Game of
Thrones” for your mom. –James Corden
So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin
On
Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They
were a group calling themselves “Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News.”
–Conan O’Brien
Both
candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton
is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come
up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin. –Conan O’Brien
This
November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational
marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.
–Conan O’Brien
Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God (So ladies: He’s single!)
Anthony
Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his
latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single! –Jimmy Fallon
Mark
Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, “You mean it
hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s
called God.” –Jimmy Fallon
Queen
Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in
Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like
chandeliers, vases, and Queen Elizabeth. –Jimmy Fallon
Mona Lisa smiles because of her huge tax cut (You may now kiss the bride)
"Bush does not like
change in his personnel. He likes to keep the same people. I think he got this
from having the same third grade teacher year after year." --Jay Leno
"They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015
Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out." --Jay Leno, on global warming
"President Bush surprised
30 immigrants by showing up and personally swearing them in as U.S. citizens.
There was an awkward moment when President Bush said, 'You may now kiss the
bride.'" --Conan O'Brien
Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs (today he was hired by NBC)
"Bush just gave a
promotion to the guy who was in charge of our nine trillion dollar debt. You
know what? I really think if you walked into a cabinet meeting and started
hurling your feces at the wall, Bush would name a state after you." --Jon
Stewart, on Bush naming Joshua Bolten his new chief of staff
"Andy Card resigned.
Finally a Republican leaving Washington not in handcuffs." --Jay Leno
"Andrew Card has
spent the last five years managing the Bush White House as the ratings have
steadily declined. Given that experience, today he was hired by NBC."
--Jay Leno
It's the start of the hurricane season (Bush is already stockpiling excuses)
"June 1st is the
start of the hurricane season. President Bush is already stockpiling
excuses." --David Letterman
"Proponents of this
amnesty program for illegal immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs
American are not willing to do. You know, like come up with an immigration
policy." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick
Cheney said yesterday Democrats are not competent to fight the war in Iraq --
coming from a guy who shot at a bird and hit a lawyer." --Jay Leno
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
"How's the camera?" asked Anthony Weiner. (toxicology report)
Donald
Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release "detailed medical
records." This marks the first time Trump's ever been interested in the
body of a woman over 40. –Conan O’Brien
Hillary
Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal
miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an
interesting trip to the Apple Store. –Seth Meyers
A
restaurant in Manhattan has created a $15, 25-ounce milk shake, which comes in
a cream cheese frosted glass covered in marshmallows and cereal, filled with
ice cream and topped with a cinnamon bun. At least that's what it said on the
toxicology report. –Seth Meyers
Apple
next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. "How's the camera?"
asked Anthony Weiner. –Seth Meyers
Just for the hell of it, they threw in the Nobel Prize in Economics
Beyoncé
won Best Pop Video, Best Female Video, Best Choreography, Breakthrough Longform
Video, Best Direction, Cinematography, Editing, and Video of the Year. Just for
the hell of it, they threw in the Nobel Prize in Economics. –Conan O’Brien
A
developer in New York wants to build an IHOP on top of a Revolutionary War
cemetery. IHOP's CEO said, "It makes sense, we've killed more Americans
than the British ever did." –Conan O’Brien
A
25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being
called "the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made
someone money." –Conan O’Brien
So the favorite to sweep the VMAs next year is Huma Abedin
The
CEO of Wendy's says the election is hurting the chain's burger sales — people
are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let's be honest
here, if you're eating a Wendy's Baconator, you're probably not too concerned
about the future. –Jimmy Fallon
Kim
Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate
the successful test of North Korea's ballistic missile. Residents described the
party as fun, exciting, and mandatory. –Jimmy Fallon
At
last night’s VMAs, Beyoncé's album "Lemonade," about her husband’s
cheating, won seven awards. So the favorite to sweep the VMAs next year is Huma
Abedin. –Conan O’Brien
Monday, August 29, 2016
Finally somebody in the White House has an exit strategy (perpetual motion machine)
"White House Chief of
Staff Andrew Card resigned. I know what you're thinking: Who would leave a
dream job like that? Finally somebody in the White House has an exit
strategy." --David Letterman
"Andrew Card was
talking with the president and he found himself in kind of a difficult
situation. Bush gave him two
choices: 1. He could resign or 2. He could go hunting with Cheney."
--David Letterman
"Have you been
watching the Senate debating the immigration bill? It's great. Every time
somebody says 'undocumented worker,
Ted Kennedy does a tequila shot." --David Letterman
What do you mean Jim's dead?/intelligencia malo/Rumsfeld family reunion
"Despite President
Bush saying last week that the national anthem should only be sung in English,
it was revealed several times during his 2000 presidential campaign the song
was performed in Spanish. Bush said that his comments last week were based on
'intelligencia malo.'" --Amy Poehler
"According to a
national response plan, the U.S. government forecasts massive disruption if
bird flu arises, with as much as 40% of the national workforce off the job.
It's called the 'Holy God, what the hell is going on? What do you mean Jim's
dead? Everyone shut up. I need to think. Are you coughing? Oh great, now we're
all dead' plan." --Amy Poehler
"While speaking in
Atlanta on Thursday, Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld was repeatedly interrupted by angry protesters, with one
woman shouting, 'This man needs to be imprisoned for war crimes.' What makes it
worse is that he was speaking at a Rumsfeld family reunion." --Tina Fey
aim high because if they didn't, they might shoot someone in the face
"It was announced
today that George Bush's childhood home in Texas has been turned into a museum.
Unfortunately, once you get inside you can't find your way out." --Jay
Leno
"President Bush has
proposed sweeping immigration changes, which is pretty amazing when you
consider before he became president, Bush thought immigration was the sincerest
form of flattery." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Dick
Cheney gave the commencement speech at his old high school in Casper, Wyoming,
last weekend. He told graduating seniors to aim high because if they didn't,
they might shoot someone in the face." --Jay Leno
getting your breath back will cost you over $600 (Putin named world's sexiest leader)
After
starting a firestorm, Mylan's CEO Heather Bresch came forward to address the
criticism. She said, “Look, no one's more frustrated than me.” She's
frustrated! I mean, the tone-deafness of that just takes your breath away and
getting your breath back will cost you over $600. –Stephen Colbert
The
FBI is investigating whether Russian intelligence agencies have hacked the
computers at The New York Times, or as the Times reported it, "Putin named
world's sexiest leader." –Stephen Colbert
McDonald's
recalled the wristbands after they left people with burns and blisters — which,
technically, is the job of their apple pie filling. –Stephen Colbert
Happy Anniversary, Brad and Angelina! (trying to pay for a TV with dimes)
Angelina
Jolie and Brad Pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. They
said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army — I mean
family. –Jimmy Fallon
New
research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than
older people. It’s mainly due to the older person in front of them trying to
pay for a TV with dimes. –Jimmy Fallon
Mylan,
the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens
for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you
into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. –Stephen
Colbert
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)