JOKES: A Christmas Carol with George W. Bush (throat lozenges)

"Well, Hillary Clinton lost her voice last night, did you see that? In the ultimate irony, she had to ask one of Bill's interns for a throat lozenge." --Jay Leno

"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

The 12 MOST Corrupt Democrats in Congress

Thanks to Jimmy Dore. Here are the phone numbers to the 12 democrats who voted against Bernie Sanders prescription drug bill.

Cory Booker & Corporate Democrats Screw Over The Poor & Bernie's Bill

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya (drop it from a camel)

"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya." --David Letterman

"Bush said today canceling [the ports deal] sends a bad message to the Arab world. You know, not like invading their countries, putting them on leashes, making them masturbate, but bad." --Bill Maher

"The bad news is Iran is capable of making a nuclear bomb. The good news is they have to drop it from a camel." --David Letterman

Happy Anniversary, Brad and Angelina! (trying to pay for a TV with dimes)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. They said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army — I mean family. –Jimmy Fallon

New research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than older people. It’s mainly due to the older person in front of them trying to pay for a TV with dimes. –Jimmy Fallon

Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. –Stephen Colbert

There goes the Republican health care plan (Foreign Policy Gone Wild)

"A new study involving 1800 patients and six major hospitals failed to prove the healing power of prayer. They said prayer does not work in healing. There goes the Republican health care plan." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Al Gore. Al Gore turned 58 over the weekend. I don't want to say Al Gore is boring, but his party broke up before they finished singing the song, 'Happy Birthday.'" --Jay Leno

"Immigration was the big issue of the week.  Bush was in Cancun promoting his new video, 'Foreign Policy Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher

That pretty much empties the Bush library (no thanks, I'm married)

"White House officials said today President Bush took three books with him to Texas. Three! That pretty much empties the Bush library." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said while he's on vacation he's reading two books about his hero Abraham Lincoln. That's his hero, and this has got his staff a little worried. See they know how much President Bush idolizes Lincoln and the feeling is it's going to be very upsetting to him when he gets to the part of the book where Lincoln gets shot. But then again it's ten days, so it could take awhile." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times reported this story: on a trip to Estonia Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. No, no, see that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy. When Hillary asked him if he wanted to go out for a cold one, Senator McCain said no thanks, I'm married." --Jay Leno

How would you like to pay for that?

“McDonald's is introducing a Big Mac clothing line. Of course there already is a clothing line for Big Mac lovers. It's called a hospital gown.”—Conan O’Brien

“According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that?"—Conan O’Brien

But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon



"President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan O'Brien



"Yesterday Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during a court session for the first time in seven years. He never speaks and he finally spoke. It's already being called the best 'that's what she said' joke ever." –Conan O'Brien



This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama

"I know why you’re happy tonight. Your uterus is safe for another four years. How about that? Mormon has broken, and we are black in the saddle again." –Bill Maher



"No gloating. The Republicans are licking their wounds, which is ironically Mitt Romney's health care plan." –Bill Maher



"This was a great week for gay potheads who love Obama. Or as I call it, 'Hollywood.'" –Bill Maher



Mitt will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands

"Romney isn't very popular among African-American voters. In fact, diabetes is more popular among African-American voters than Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, House Republicans held their 33rd vote to repeal Obama’s healthcare law. It was mostly a symbolic vote that accomplished nothing — or as Congress calls that, a vote." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Mitt Romney announced that he's going to the Olympics in London next month. No word yet on whether he will be rooting for Switzerland, Bermuda, Luxemburg or the Cayman Islands." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

But all he had was Swiss Francs...

"An awkward moment for Mitt Romney today in Colorado. A homeless guy asked him for a dollar, but all he had was Swiss Francs" –Jay Leno



"Tomorrow the House of Representatives will vote for the 30th time on healthcare. For the 30th time they'll vote it down again. Who says these guys aren't doing stuff, huh?" –David Letterman 



"In a new interview, Mitt Romney said he doesn't know where his financial records are because he doesn't manage them. Yeah, he would have said more, but he had to give a speech on why he's the perfect guy to fix the economy." –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it

"CNN was first to announce the decision, but they got it wrong. They said the healthcare mandate was struck down. Luckily, it was on CNN so nobody saw it." –Jay Leno 

"It was reported that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi wore her lucky purple shoes for the Supreme Court’s healthcare ruling — while House Speaker John Boehner wore his lucky orange face." –Jimmy Fallon



"For several minutes after the ruling, CNN was mistakenly reporting that the Supreme Court struck down President Obama’s healthcare law. In response, CNN was like, 'Thank God no one watches us.'" –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

He ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets

"Mitt Romney wants to prove he's regular guy, so he was someplace and he ordered a bucket of pheasant McNuggets." –David Letterman 



"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama's healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

She was the first maid to make $1 million a year

"Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. The woman's husband became suspicious when he realized she was the first maid to make $1 million a year." -Jay Leno



"Arnold kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno



"Romney raised $10 million. That's a dollar for every position he's had on healthcare." -Jay Leno 

Or as Republicans call it, health care...

"President Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It was a little awkward though. Donald Trump showed up and demanded to see each egg's birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon 



"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon



"New York just passed a law that allows same-sex conjugal visits for prisoners. Isn’t that pretty much what prison is?" –Jimmy Fallon

That's just a common fantasy of Republican men

"All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care." –Bill Maher



"New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men." Bill Maher

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O'Brien 



The world's most powerful communist — and the president of China

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien



"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson



"The debate over repealing healthcare began in the House today. The republicans have their own plan: 'Don't ask, don't get sick.'" –Jay Leno



Passed straight through and came out the other side

"Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side." –Bill Maher



"Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die." –Bill Maher



"What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn't like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil." –Bill Maher