They should try pie...

"President Obama is criticizing Rick Perry for denying global warming. I can understand why Rick Perry doesn't take global warming seriously. As governor of Texas, he's probably fried more people than global warming all put together." –Jay Leno



"Republicans are having trouble luring Gov. Chris Christie into the presidential race. They should try pie." –David Letterman 

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned a sculptor to create seven larger-than-life statues of himself in a Speedo. So I guess he's taking the divorce well. They're eight feet tall and made of bronze and horse steroids." –Jimmy Kimmel



There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it

"It's the first day of fall, or as the Republicans call it, 'the end of global warming.'" –Jay Leno



"The last Republican debate was sponsored by Google. I think Google can really help. We should run a Google search for some better candidates." –Jay Leno 

"Perry said he didn't do well in the debates because he was exhausted. Sure, he's exhausted from executing all those people." –David Letterman



"Arnold Schwarzenegger has commissioned an 8-foot bronze sculpture of himself. There’s even going to be a maid in charge of polishing it." –Jimmy Fallon



The “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school

"Rick Perry did look dumb. I'm beginning to think that “Texas Miracle” was him getting out of high school." –Bill Maher on Rick Perry’s poor showing at the Republican debate



"You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher



"Palin's doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, they asked her at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, 'I didn't make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It's one thing to say you don't believe en evolution, you don't believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in video tape." –Bill Maher



We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry

"If you're keeping score at home, they have now applauded executions at the Republican debate, they have cheered letting an uninsured man die, and they booed an active duty U.S. serviceman for being gay. I don’t know how you get to the right with this crowd but Ron Paul’s new campaign ad is just the Rodney King beating to the sound of children laughing." –Bill Maher



"Larry Flynt is offering $1 million if someone came up with proof that Rick Perry had an illicit sexual liaison. But I say, Larry, really we don't have to do that. We already came up with a way to embarrass Rick Perry. It's called debates." –Bill Maher



"Did you see the Republican debate last night? It was brought to you by FOX and Google. I think that makes sense that they were working together because Google is what people go to, to fact check the bullshit that comes out of FOX." –Bill Maher



And then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in

"There was another big Republican debate tonight in Orlando, Fla. This one was sponsored by Google, which is tricky for Rick Perry because he's a yahoo." –Jay Leno







"Today President Obama is visiting the hometown of House Speaker John Boehner. Obama plans to give a speech and then visit the tanning bed that Boehner grew up in." –Conan O'Brien



"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he'll be publishing a memoir. It will be available in hardcover, paperback, and a book on tape that's impossible to understand." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

The Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'

"An article in the paper says today that Rick Perry is just 'George Bush 2.0.' To which Bush said '2.0? I wish I did that well in school. Those are my dream grades." –Jay Leno 



"This week, the U.S. military will formally end it's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Later this week, the Air Force begins Operation 'It's Raining Men.'" –Conan O'Brien
 


"President Obama has proposed a new tax increase called the 'Buffett rule.' At first, Newt Gingrich was for it because he thought it was the 'buffet rule.'" –Conan O'Brien 





That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile

“Sarah Palin doing cocaine? That’s ridiculous. That stuff can make you yammer like an imbecile.” –Bill Maher



 “Trying to get today's Republican to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snout shut, and stroke their throats. And even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.” –Bill Maher