They will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.

Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece. –Conan O’Brien

Last night for the first time in 24 years Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought. –Conan O’Brien

When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word.

If I was Chris Christie and everyone was focused on my weight, I'd pick an even fatter running mate — someone huge, like 600 pounds. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump sued Univision today for $500 million, which everyone's making a big deal about, but what future president hasn't sued a TV network for pulling his beauty pageant off the air? When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word. –Jimmy Kimmel

I don't know if Rand Paul has to go to Colorado. If he wants money from stoners, he should just become a pizza delivery guy. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet. –Conan O’Brien

There's a huge financial crisis in Greece. They're in terrible trouble. Greece announced they're going to default on their nearly $1.8 billion loan. Who would have thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke? –Conan O’Brien

but there's still a restraining order...

Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech to announce he's running for president in his high school's gymnasium. It was the longest period of time Christie has ever spent in a gym. –Conan O’Brien

Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. He wanted to launch it in his school's cafeteria but there's still a restraining order. –Conan O’Brien

This is what happened to George Clooney

But now that reason is gone. Which means now you go home and your parents and friends will do that thing where they put you on the spot. Society will push you and push you and eventually you'll give in. This is what happened to George Clooney. –Jimmy Kimmel

And then once you do give in, guess what? Instead of the fun parades with the drinks and the half-naked dancer guys, the only parades you will be going to are the ones with the big inflatable Snoopy. He'll be looking at you as if to say, "What the hell did you do?" –Jimmy Kimmel

B.E.T. announced that it now identifies as white

At last night's B.E.T. Awards, white singer Sam Smith won the best new artist award. This came right after B.E.T. announced that it now identifies as white. –Conan O’Brien

The Supreme Court has ended same-sex marriage bans. This is going to totally ruin being gay. I will explain. I live in a gay neighborhood and these people have a lot of fun. The reason is because there is no pressure to settle down. It's illegal. Say you're dating a guy. He says, Why can't we get married? You say, Well, same reason we can't rob a bank. –Jimmy Kimmel

Marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife

Sarah Palin went on Facebook to announce that her daughter Bristol's wedding has been called off. She said the two families will still get together on the wedding day to "celebrate life." In other words, the caterers already have been paid for. –Jimmy Fallon

After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially canceled "Celebrity Apprentice." Donald Trump isn't even president yet and he's already made America a better place. –Conan O’Brien

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife. –Conan O’Brien