Bad news for the moose population!

"Sarah Palin will not run for president, which is good news for Palin-haters, but bad news for the moose population." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Are you telling me that Sarah Palin driving around the country in a bus with a giant picture of her face next to the Constitution was just a giant publicity stunt? I find that hard to believe." –Jimmy Kimmel



John Hulse painting

and not because he’s … a horse

"Will Herman Cain become the first black President … that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s … a horse." –Stephen Colbert



"Hey, Congratulations to Donald Trump, who just welcomed his fourth grandchild! You could tell it was Trump’s grandchild because as soon as it came out, it demanded to see its own birth certificate." –Jimmy Fallon



"The founder of Home Depot announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. It's kind of a nice story, because Mitt Romney was actually assembled with parts from Home Depot." –Jimmy Fallon 



John Hulse painting

He has a pulse and no visible cold sores...

"Sarah Palin announced she’s not running. Finally, a Palin who pulls out before it’s too late." –Jay Leno







"Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell 'potato.'" –David Letterman



"Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores." –Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting

It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney

"As the Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney has gotta be thinking, ‘What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be.'" –Jon Stewart



"Not only did Chris Christie say he's not going to run, he's also not going to jog or walk anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel 





 "Big changes in the Republican field. It's a 10-way tie for Not Romney." –Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting

Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch

"In a new interview, Michele Bachmann said that quote, 'China has blinded U.S. satellites with their lasers.' Which explains Michele Bachmann's new campaign adviser: Gary Busey." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Rick Perry is pretty serious about running for President. Today he freed all of the slaves on his ranch. Did you hear about that?" –Jay Leno



"Not looking good for Perry. In fact, earlier today, Herman Cain said that he would rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than Rick Perry." –Jay Leno 



"We're learning more about these Republican candidates. Did you know Mitt Romney speaks French? Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. Of course, Michele Bachmann was never able to learn a second language, thanks to a vaccine she was given against her will as a child." –Jay Leno  



John Hulse painting

She said it's OK, as long as they don't get married...

"New Jersey Governor Chris Christie lost his laptop. In his lap." –David Letterman



"As governor of Texas, Rick Perry executed 236 people. Turns out many of them were guilty." –David Letterman

"When Michele Bachmann heard Mitt Romney and John Huntsman were bilingual, she said it's OK, as long as they don't get married." –Jay Leno 

John Hulse painting

As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs...

"Gov. Chris Christie keeps saying he's not running for president. On the other hand, he would consider running for Santa." –David Letterman



"Marcus Bachmann wrote an open letter to conservatives describing his wife Michele as 'rock solid.' It probably didn't help that he then added, 'As rock solid as Taylor Lautner's yummy abs.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered three statues of himself. Which seemed weird, because I thought he had a much more fun way to make duplicates of himself." –Conan O'Brien



"President Obama was heckled by a protestor who called him 'the Antichrist.' The protestor was detained, but released without being charged, and then later he was offered his own show on Fox News." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting