How many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress? (maybe in a month or two)

Right now in New York it is Fashion Week, which is also known as “watch hungry women walk week.” Fashion Week, for those who aren't familiar, is the week that answers the question: How many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress? –Jimmy Kimmel

Also on TV last night we named a new Miss America. Miss Georgia is the new Miss America at the 95th annual Miss America Pageant. Miss America is the highest honor a woman can achieve for getting a spray tan. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin, in case you don't know, had her first real interview as vice presidential nominee last night. Charlie Gibson sat down and asked some very good, some tough questions. McCain people said they were happy with the interview and they may let her do another one, maybe in a month or two." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Intelligence? That's two words. (El Capitan Cruncho)

"This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney says he plans to differentiate himself from President Bush with a single word -- 'intelligence.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Intelligence? That's two words.'" --Conan O'Brien

For the first time ever, the Miss America Pageant is going to have a gay contestant, Miss Missouri. It will also have its first bi contestant, Miss North and South Dakota. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact, earlier today, President Bush promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana (I mean, come on. Cut me a slice of that! Yeah!)

"It was gone, maybe you didn't even know it was gone, but now

it's back, I'm talking about the Miss America pageant. Everybody

has Miss America fever. In fact, earlier today, President Bush

promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana." --David Letterman

"How about the Republican convention? Have you been watching

that? Well, here's the roster of speakers tonight: George W. Bush

is speaking tonight. Joe Lieberman, speaking tonight. Fred

Thompson, speaking tonight. I mean, come on. Cut me a slice

of that! Yeah!" --David Letterman

"It's frightening to be alive, walking around this planet in 2008.

Listen to this. A 20,000-pound satellite has burned out. It's going

to crash into us. It's already starting to plummet and soon it will

explode. There's going to be a fire. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm sorry,

I'm thinking about the Giuliani campaign" –David Letterman

"Donald Trump as President of the United States. I can't wait for

the Washington monument to turn into a condo."

--David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney (this is why I always wear a fake mustache and pay cash)

"But here's the lesson in the Eliot Spitzer case, ladies and gentlemen, this is why I always wear a fake mustache and pay cash." --David Letterman

"Former President Bill Clinton spoke at the convention last night. And it was sort of sad when in the middle of Clinton’s speech, John McCain wandered out on stage in his bathrobe." --David Letterman

"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. Congratulations to her. And she is from Michigan. And she's beautiful. She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney." --David Letterman

"This kind of thing usually happens once or twice a summer down in Washington. Yesterday, a guy hopped the fence at the White House. Pretty scary. Thank god at the last minute Dick Cheney picked him off. And then, today, another guy was arrested for trying to climb Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You don't know anything, you're just a teenager (four hours trapped in a corn maze)

September 2013

"Joe Biden has people talking that he'll run for president after he was spotted at a fundraiser in Iowa this week. Unfortunately, he missed giving his speech because he spent four hours trapped in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon

"This week marks the fifth anniversary of the collapse of Lehman Brothers, which sparked the recession. Think about how bad things were back then. We had unemployment over 7 percent. The debt was out of control. There were wars breaking out all over the globe. Thank God that's all behind us now, huh?" –Jay Leno 

"USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it 'Bidencare.'" –Jay Leno

"That's right, 705 people saw a woman in a bikini and thought, 'Muslim Extremist.'" –Stephen Colbert, on the fake outrage over Indian-American Nina Davuluri being crowned Miss America, after it was reported there were 705 tweets that mentioned "Miss America terrorist"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney (Oh boy, I didn't see that coming)

"The good news is that Hosni Mubarak may step down. The bad news is that he may be replaced by his idiot son Hosni W. Mubarak." –David Letterman

"In Egypt, 2 million people are in the streets all around Egypt demanding that Hosni Mubarak step down. It's the most-angry mob I've seen since the 'Fire Dave' rally last year." –David Letterman

"Now the Egyptian crowds who are protesting have turned against the United States. Oh boy, I didn't see that coming." –David Letterman

"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. Congratulations to her. And she is from Michigan. And she's beautiful. She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney." --David Letterman

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Miss New York will be allowed to wear her gang colors (It’s like being Mrs. Larry King)

The people here at CBS have given me permission to wear my navel ring. It was decided by officials that in tomorrow’s Miss America pageant, Miss Vermont will be allowed to wear her navel ring. Also, Miss New York will be allowed to wear her gang colors. --David Letterman 9/11/1997

You know Miss America is only allowed to keep her crown for one year. It’s like being Mrs. Larry King.  --David Letterman 9/11/1997

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's why they are called "Patriots" (Rancho Inepto)

"Did you know this? We have a brand-new Miss America, Katie Stam, from Indiana. They choose Miss America based on personality, how the young woman looks in a swimsuit, and how she looks in evening gowns. That is the competition. It's the same way that John McCain chooses a running mate." --David Letterman

"President Bush is enjoying retirement in Crawford, Texas, maybe not as much as we are." --David Letterman

"Former President Bush is back at his place in Texas. It's known as Rancho Inepto." --David Letterman

"Bush is not worrying about the country. No, it's like he's still president." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney

"During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air." --David Letterman

"It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks." --David Letterman

"About halfway through, Senator Ted Kennedy sent over a couple of drinks to the Bush twins." --David Letterman

"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. Congratulations to her. And she is from Michigan. And she's beautiful. She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney." --David Letterman

I was not the worst in history. I was the worst in math and science (rebuild Miss Louisiana)

"Hillary Clinton said in a speech this week that President Bush is one of the worst in history. And President Bush was furious, oh man, you see what he said? He said 'I was not the worst in history. I was the worst in math and science.'" --Jay Leno

"It was gone, maybe you didn't even know it was gone, but now it's back, I'm talking about the Miss America pageant. Everybody has Miss America fever. In fact, earlier today, President Bush promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana." --David Letterman

"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien

The speech was entitled "My bad, girlfriend." (Nokia Weed Dealer)

Pope Francis said the Catholic Church should ask forgiveness from gays for its past treatment of them. The speech was entitled "My bad, girlfriend." –Conan O’Brien

Last week, over 30 participants in a Tony Robbins seminar burned their feet walking on hot coals. The victims just signed up for a second seminar: "How To Get Rich Suing Tony Robbins." –Conan O’Brien

This week, there’s a new smartphone available that costs only $4. It’s called the Nokia Weed Dealer. –Conan O’Brien

For the first time ever, the Miss America Pageant is going to have a gay contestant, Miss Missouri. It will also have its first bi contestant, Miss North and South Dakota. –Conan O’Brien

the highest honor a woman can achieve for getting a spray tan

Also on TV last night we named a new Miss America. Miss Georgia is the new Miss America at the 95th annual Miss America Pageant. Miss America is the highest honor a woman can achieve for getting a spray tan. –Jimmy Kimmel 

Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren’t her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump’s therapist shopping for a boat. –Seth Meyers

Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell was crowned Miss America last night. While Miss Kentucky was crowned “least cooperative.” –Seth Meyers