I was not the worst in history. I was the worst in math and science (rebuild Miss Louisiana)

"Hillary Clinton said in a speech this week that President Bush is one of the worst in history. And President Bush was furious, oh man, you see what he said? He said 'I was not the worst in history. I was the worst in math and science.'" --Jay Leno

"It was gone, maybe you didn't even know it was gone, but now it's back, I'm talking about the Miss America pageant. Everybody has Miss America fever. In fact, earlier today, President Bush promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana." --David Letterman

"Tabloids are reporting that Sen. Ted Kennedy has an illegitimate 21 year-old son. Apparently, Kennedy isn't denying the report, but the kid is." --Conan O'Brien