Earlier
today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing
his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now
just a heartbeat away from never being president. –Conan O’Brien
Now
that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will
have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill
Clinton said, "You never really get used to it." –Conan O’Brien
Donald
Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story,
Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch.
–Conan O’Brien
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