I read that in a newspaper I've been saving since 2003

The director of the CIA says that no matter who the next president is, the agency will not use waterboarding ever again. Instead, he's come up with a new way to torture people: turn off the Wi-Fi when they visit their parents’ house. –Jimmy Fallon

Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, “Don’t use my name, 'cuz I don't want Jeb to find out.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that hoarding is getting worse in the U.S. and affects over 15 million Americans. Of course it might be higher now, 'cuz I read that in a newspaper I've been saving since 2003. –Jimmy Fallon