We're basically the same person

My New Year's resolution for 2016 was to join a gym. My New Year's resolution next year is to go to that gym. –James Corden

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced his resolution saying "my personal challenge for 2016 is to build a simple AI to run my home and help me with my work." Mark Zuckerberg's resolution is to build an artificial intelligence system that controls his entire home. Meanwhile, I'm determined to give up sweets. We're basically the same person. –James Corden

Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would “probably not talk as much.” That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless. –Seth Meyers

Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say “whatever he needs to say” to win the election. And it’s true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said “Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.” –Seth Meyers

China this weekend formally replaced its one-child policy with a new law allowing two children per family. That way, families will have one child to play with, while the other one’s at work. –Seth Meyers