Bad news, you're worthless.

A lot of people got stranded over the weekend and flights were canceled. There was more than 2 feet of snow in Washington, D.C., and New York. All nonessential federal workers in Washington, D.C., were told to stay home today. How do you know if you're nonessential? Do they call you? “Steve, I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is you have the day off today. Bad news, you're worthless.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Did you watch the football games yesterday in the matchup for Super Bowl 50? It's the guy from the Under Armour commercials against the guy from the Papa John's commercials. –Jimmy Kimmel

In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up on a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn't stopped every once in a while to sniff everyone's butts. –Jimmy Kimmel