"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world
cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun
control." –David Letterman
"Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support
legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials
in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of
money." –Jimmy Fallon
"Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential
election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest
has to be president of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers
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