If even dead people hate you you got to ask am I doing something wrong? You know the only bipartisan agreement we seem to have these days is that neither party wants Donald Trump at their funerals. John McCain, Barbara Bush, Elijah Cummings, John Dingle and now John Lewis, all their families felt the same way. Our loved one is dead don't ruin it. Trump is about as welcome at a funeral as the gypsy woman who wanders into restaurants and sells you roses at a business dinner.
He’s the president and people still don't want him there. It's like a children's hospital turning down Batman. What kind of spectacular prick do you have to be that everyone's last request is, ‘make sure that asshole isn't at my funeral.’
You know I watched the eulogies last week for John Lewis and was struck by the genuine outpouring from everyone who ever encountered this model of a man and I thought of Trump and actually felt sad for him because at his funeral no one will ever talk about him like that. Then I thought maybe if Trump could hear what a eulogy for him would sound like, maybe that would give him some insight into himself.
So I've prepared a modest example. Now, let me be clear so the secret service feels no need to visit. I wish Donald Trump a long healthy life some place where he can’t harm America, and I have only condemnation for anyone who would ever wish any president, no matter how much you dislike them, any physical harm.
But in the adventures of Tom Sawyer, when Tom and Huckleberry Finn get to attend their own funeral they learn a lot about themselves. So in that spirit let us imagine ourselves many years in the future and listening to these soothing words.
Dear family and frenemies of Donald Trump, some men look at the world and ask why Donald Trump looked at the world and asked what's in it for me. His generosity knew only limits and he never once failed to put himself before others.
He was a devoted father who every day tried to teach his children the wrong lessons of life. Be quick to anger, never let go of a grudge. See the worst in people and treat them all equally based strictly on how much money they make and what they look like.
So many wanted to speak here today but couldn't break their non-disclosure agreements. And our hearts go out to Melania who RSVP’d, ‘Maybe’. Donald always said he knew she was the one the moment he saw her and said those three little words. ‘Add to Cart’.
Donald loved so many things. Money. Golf. Lawsuits. Porn Strs. Dictators. Organized Crime and the 35% of the people who still like him. The other 65% could go fuck themselves. He once said that the experience of not being in Vietnam taught him the most important lesson of all. That there's no problem so big you can’t lie your way out of it.
And when it came to flouting the law he was a criminal's criminal and intellectually a midget among giants. A man of few words, about a hundred. Mostly tremendous, disgusting, strongly, and shit-hole.
Donald Trump never met a man he liked and yet he always suffered fools. You could tell him anything and he'd believe it. It’s painful to think he could still be with us if only his personal physician wasn’t that lady who believed medicine came from outer space. Donald’s greatest hero Winston Churchill said of his own mortality, ‘I’m ready to meet my maker, whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.’
Well God, Trump’s your problem now. As for me personally, I guess what i'll miss most about Don is his dull wit. He was never laughing and when he made you laugh it was always unintentional. But as a walking parody of himself he was a challenge to satirize and made me a better comedian for it. He died as he lived, wearing makeup and lying in front of all of us. So fly free, whiny little bitch, fly free. May you find the piece your twitter thumbs never could. —Bill Maher
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