I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish (You just might be a republican)

I woke up and I was folding my bed back into a couch and I almost broke both my arms because it wasn’t one of those types of couches. --Steven Wright

I went through a stop sign and the police stopped me. They said why did you go through the sign. I said, hey I don’t believe everything I read. --Steven Wright

I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller. --Steven Wright

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. --Steven Wright

I bought an album that teaches you different languages. You put the album on, you put headphones on, and you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”