I'm a peripheral visionary (Playing you all for fools)

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small. --Steven Wright

I bought a cordless extension cord. --Steven Wright 

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. --Steven Wright 

You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths. --Steven Wright

She said let me ask you this and I said what? She said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know? I said no and she said, forget it then. --Steven Wright

I picked up a hitchhiker and she asked me what I did. I told her that I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future but just way off to the side. --Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. --Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is it's always room temperature. --Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”