Don't you dare tell me how to freedom (my calendar has no sevens)

My telephone broke so I had to get a new phone. I didn’t have much money so I had to get an irregular phone. It had no 5 on it. I was walking down the street and I bumped into a good friend of mine he said how come you never call me anymore? I said I can't call everyone I want my phone has no five on it. He said that's really weird. How long have you had it? I said I don't know, my calendar has no sevens. --Steven Wright

One time right in the middle of a job interview I took out a book and I started reading. The guy said what the hell are you doing? I said let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on would they do anything? He said I don't know? I said forget it then I don’t want to work for you. --Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity that's why I don’t pay for it. I write on the bill sorry, I haven’t seen it all month. —Steven Wright

A couple of nights ago I came home very late and I was having a little bit of trouble getting into my apartment. I accidentally took out a car key and I stuck it into the door and turned it and the building started up. So I drove it around for a while I went too fast and the police pulled me over. They said where do you live? I said right here. Then I parked it in the middle of the highway and I ran out the front door and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. —Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”