Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle

"Tonight was the 14th republican presidential debate, or as Barack Obama has started calling them, campaign ads." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us." –Jay Leno



"Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle." –Jay Leno 



John Hulse painting

In college he experimented with parting his hair to the left

"If you think that's bad, Jon Huntsman is now admitting that in college he experimented with parting his hair to the left." –Jimmy Kimmel 



"The star of the debate was Herman Cain. He didn't talk much because the debate was about national defense and his area of expertise is pizza." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into the 18th century." –David Letterman 



John Hulse painting

The lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet

"Herman Cain said that we should focus on our neighbor to the south, Mexico, and our neighbor to the north, Cold Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is the 14th Republican debate and there are still 12 more to go. The plan, I think, is to keep debating until somebody recognizes Rick Santorum on the street." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Mitt Romney admitted in an interview, 'I tasted a beer and tried a cigarette once as a wayward teenager and never did it again. This has the makings of the lamest 'Behind the Music' special yet." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle

"The Christmas season has officially started. Today I saw Herman Cain wearing his mistletoe belt buckle." –Jay Leno



"I'm not sure Rick Perry understands Thanksgiving. When they asked him if he was going to deep-fry a turkey, he said, 'Well, if he's found guilty.'" –Jay Leno



"Last week in New Hampshire, Herman Cain said that presidents don't need to know every detail of every country in the world and he said he's going to take that message across America to all 30 states." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

I got you a very special package...

"The Republican candidates were asked to name their favorite movies. Ron Paul picked 'No Country for Old Men.' Rick Perry chose 'Clueless.' Michele Bachmann chose 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,' and Herman Cain chose 'Snatch.'" –Jay Leno



"Thank you, the TSA, for celebrating your 10th birthday this month. I got you a very special package, mine." –Jimmy Fallon



"Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than a guy who ran up a half-million dollar bill at Tiffany's?" –David Letterman 

John Hulse painting

Nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that

"Rick Perry attacked President Obama for thinking that he's the smartest guy in the room. He attacked him for being smart. One thing's for sure, nobody's ever going to accuse Rick Perry of that." –Jay Leno



"A Fox News reporter asked Herman Cain what he thought of President Obama's easing of travel restrictions to Cuba, and Cain accused him of asking a 'gotcha' question. That's when you know things are bad: When you're attacking Fox News for being part of the liberal media." –Jay Leno 



"The government took action and introduced a bill to classify pizza as a vegetable in schools. Mark this down: November 17, 2011: The day America gave up. I guess they figure, 'Our approval rating is 7 percent. What the heck, let's go down to 2 percent.'" –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

See, crime does pay...

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. See, crime does pay." –Jay Leno



"The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would allow people to carry a concealed weapon from one state to another. In other words, my trip back to Boston for Thanksgiving just got a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien



"The Occupy Wall Street people are so angry at Mayor Bloomberg and it's starting to look really bad for his seventh term." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting