Wait, women have the right to vote?

“Newt Gingrich is down to 12 staffers. The guy has more chins than that.” –David Letterman





“Rick Santorum gave a speech at the Jelly Belly factory in California. Incidentally, ‘Jelly Belly Factory’ was also Newt Gingrich’s nickname in college.” –Jimmy Fallon



“A recent survey showed that Rick Santorum is the favorite GOP candidate among Republican women. When he heard that, Santorum was like, ‘Wait — women have the right to vote?’” –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

For $100 you can get one without Newt

“Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt.” –Conan O'Brien 

“Newt Gingrich's campaign is broke. All the money gone. So now he's charging $50 for a photo. And for $100 you can marry him.” –David Letterman



“Gas prices are expected to continue to rise throughout the summer, and oil companies say it’s because of high demand due to warmer summer weather — as opposed to what they told us a couple of months ago, that oil prices went up because of higher demand for winter heating oil. So basically, if there’s weather, gas prices go up.” –Jay Leno



“Newt Gingrich announced today he is laying off a third of his campaign staff. Is that surprising? He laid off two-thirds of his wives.” –Jay Leno 



John Hulse painting

All those midnight trips to the graveyard...

“Dick Cheney received a heart transplant this weekend after waiting for two years. He wasn’t waiting for a donor. It just took doctors two years to find Cheney’s current heart.” –Jimmy Fallon

“Over the weekend they gave Dick Cheney a heart transplant. Finally all of those midnight trips to the graveyard with the hunchbacked assistant have paid off.” –David Letterman



“Dick Cheney was talking to a reporter right after the surgery and he said he wants to live long enough to make sure nobody else gets healthcare.” –David Letterman 




John Hulse painting

They let him shoot the donor himself

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien



“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice — they let him shoot the donor himself.” –Jay Leno 

“Yesterday on CNN, White House adviser David Plouffe referred to the Republican presidential race as a ‘clown show.’ That’s as rough as it gets on CNN. Romney, Santorum, Paul, and Gingrich all called the statement ridiculous and then piled into one tiny car and drove off.” –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

Show me on the doll

"Then Santorum held up the Etch-A-Sketch and Sarah Palin said, 'Hey, give me back my iPad.'” –Bill Maher



“This law they have in Florida, this “stand your ground’ law where you can use can use any amount of force if you think there is some amount of perceived threat; good thing they don’t’ have that here because my lawn would be littered with Jehovah’s Witnesses.” –Bill Maher



“New Rule: Now that John Boehner has cried while listening to traditional Irish music at the St. Patrick's Day luncheon it's not funny anymore. Seriously, John, tell us: where did the priest touch you? Show me on the doll.” –Bill Maher

The only tool he ever gets compared to is...

“Mitt Romney’s adviser actually compared him to an Etch A Sketch — and because of that, Etch A Sketch sales jumped 1,500 percent. Or as Disney put it, ‘Any way you can compare Romney to a ticket to 'John Carter?'” –Jimmy Fallon





 “Newt Gingrich today said he’s jealous because the only tool he ever gets compared to is a dildo.” –Bill Maher on Mitt Romney being compared to an Etch-A-Sketch



"Rick Santorum said he’s not an Etch-A-Sketch. He said what you see is what you get, and also because turning the two knobs is a little too much like playing with boobies.” –Bill Maher



He won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’

“Rick Santorum calls himself the only true conservative in the race. He is so conservative he thinks Levitra is a pill that helps you throw a football through a tire swing.” –Jay Leno



“Santorum is so conservative, he won't even use the phrase ‘get ahold of yourself.’ That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney got a big endorsement this week. The bad news: It was from Etch A Sketch.” –Jay Leno



“Jeb Bush has come out and endorsed Mitt Romney. He said it was the hardest decision he's had to make since endorsing his brother, George W.” –Jay Leno