I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter (You know how long it takes a working man to save $5000?)

It's late November, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: It's time for People magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. It's got David Beckham on the cover. Spoiler alert — he's sexy. I was a little disappointed to see that the only time my name appears in the magazine is on the address label. –Stephen Colbert

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

then he asked how long it takes eyebrows to grow back (Oven Mitts)

Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the “Deflategate” scandal. I don’t want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA. –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, North Korea claimed it successfully tested its fifth and most powerful nuclear warhead. Kim Jong Un called the test a major triumph, then asked how long it takes eyebrows to grow back. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Crap, did I sleep with CNN? (Uh, make the sidewalk lower?)

"The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, 'Uh, make the sidewalk lower?'" –Jimmy Fallon

Things haven't been going too great for Jeb Bush, but he's not giving up. His campaign has spent the most money on TV ads, $30 million. I don't want to say Jeb's run too many ads, but his new Secret Service code name is “Geico.” –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, CNN filed a lawsuit against President Trump. When he found out, Trump was furious. He was like, "Crap, did I sleep with CNN?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The republican guide to a woman's body (Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's housekeeper says Maria Shriver became suspicious after noticing similarities between Arnold and her 13-year-old son. For instance, after serving as class president, he left the sixth grade with a $42 billion deficit." –Conan O'Brien

Oprah has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. When asked about Hillary’s chances of becoming the most powerful woman in the world, Oprah said, "Oh, I’m not stepping down." –Conan O’Brien

On Tuesday, a cow named Char won the "sexiest cow in Britain" award. Don’t worry, the organizers of the contest have been arrested. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We've tried nothing and we are all out of ideas (No, you're under arrest for being too sexy)

Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?” –Jimmy Fallon

James Comey is promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book. --Jimmy Fallon

And this isn't good. Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried to get out of it by pretending to be a stripper. He was like, "No, you're under arrest for being too sexy." --Jimmy Fallon

I'm very excited about this. There's another new episode of "Game of Thrones" this weekend. I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record holder? "Golden Girls." -Really? --Jimmy Fallon

Trump is hosting Emmanuel Macron. Trump loves Macron because when he speaks English, Trump closes his eyes and pretends it's the candlestick from "Beauty and the Beast." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”