Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train (What's your secret?)

A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train. –Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD. --Seth Meyers

The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, “What's your secret?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you lie (Screwing People Since 1897)

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he’s running for president, which makes him the 13th Republican to enter the race so far. Yeah, 13 Republican candidates — or as that’s also called, “A Banker’s Dozen.” –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Canada is restoring a historic brothel that was owned by Trump's grandfather in 1897. They're even putting a plaque out front that says: "The Trumps: Screwing People Since 1897." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it? (The two classes are coming together)

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

“Mitt Romney said he is not concerned with the very poor. That statement worked out well for Marie Antoinette, didn’t it?” –Jay Leno

“This week, Mitt Romney went to a McDonald's restaurant to show that he's a normal American... just a regular guy. You can tell he hasn't spent a lot of time there. Like when he walked in, he asked to see the maitre d'.” –Jay Leno

“Donald Trump has now endorsed Mitt Romney. Imagine that, a billionaire reaching out to a millionaire. The two classes are coming together.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran (A peaceful women's rights rally)

January 2013

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Last night President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on '60 Minutes' for their first joint interview. It was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I must have been drunk when I came up with it (a slippery slope to dental care)

June 2012

"The Republicans, for their part, have accepted the decision and said they're going to focus on working with the president. I'm joking, of course. They threw a tantrum, sh*t in their pants, and flung their feces at the White House. They took it like Mel Gibson does when a script is late." –Bill Maher

"The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney came out and said, 'It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.'" –Bill Maher

"Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he's just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That's it, 'F**k you all. I'm just not doing it.' So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you're going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He should've dropped out four score and seven years ago (Know Your Enemy)

April 2012

"Today in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

"Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he is supporting Mitt Romney for president. Jindal said he couldn’t think of a better way to show his support than waiting until Romney was the only guy left." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That is why they support abstinence education (Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise)

"Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Jindal going after the $140 million set aside for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education." --Stephen Colbert

"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

That is why they support abstinence education (free heroin day)

"Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Bobby Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Jindal going after the $140 million set aside for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education." --Stephen Colbert

"Let's begin with the big story. Last night, President Barack Obama's not State of the Union address. His first speech to Congress is not technically a State of the Union address, which is nice, because this is one year you probably do not want to complete the sentence, 'The state of the union is...'" --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH

While we're taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I'm kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding — Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again. –James Corden

Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, “You gotta step up, man.” And it’s comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, “You gotta step down, man.” --Seth Meyers

The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn’t even allowed to WATCH. --Seth Meyers

Instead of canceling killer whale shows as previously reported, the CEO of SeaWorld clarified today that performances will continue but are being re-choreographed to reflect “conservation and a natural environment.” That story again: The killer whales have to learn a new dance. --Seth Meyers

There's a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you

While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told, “There's a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you.” –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump's wife, an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. She said, in return, he lets me be in America. –Conan O’Brien

Governor Bobby Jindal's presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the "Duck Dynasty" cast supports him and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign. –Conan O’Brien

Tesla has debuted a new car which is equipped with a device that instantly clears the air of toxins. Basically you activate it when you're driving behind a Volkswagen. –Conan O’Brien

What's your secret?

The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, “What's your secret?” –Seth Meyers

According to a new study, there have been more deaths this year from selfie-related incidents than there have been from shark attacks. Good. –Seth Meyers

A pair of Ohio teens were caught this weekend using a beer bong to drink full two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. It's a rare case where the punishment is the crime. –Seth Meyers

A Banker’s Dozen

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he’s running for president, which makes him the 13th Republican to enter the race so far. Yeah, 13 Republican candidates — or as that’s also called, “A Banker’s Dozen.” –Jimmy Fallon

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is running for president. This is historic. He's a 44-year-old Indian-American whose real first name is Piyush. After hearing about it, President Obama said, "A young, non-white guy with a crazy name? Good luck with that." –Conan O’Brien

Just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat

"New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is." –Seth Meyers



"A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat." –Seth Meyers



"Boston's city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion." –Seth Meyers


Terrible news for the monkey

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher



"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno



"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon 





If you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out

"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno



"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher



"Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill Maher