What's the opposite of a motivational speech? (It turns out fake money is not as valuable as you think)

November 2022

“In his first address to Twitter employees, Elon Musk said that bankruptcy is a possibility. Answering the question, "What's the opposite of a motivational speech?” —Jimmy Fallon

“I read that almost every major cryptocurrency is crashing. Right now, the only Bitcoin winners are the people who never wasted the time to understand it. It’s pretty shocking. It turns out fake money is not as valuable as you think.” —Jimmy Fallon

Herschel Walker has already raised more than 3 million dollars for his runoff election in Georgia. He said he wants to make sure that he gets a first term. Unlike most of his children. —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business (Every little thing she does is magic)

November 2022

“Last night was not nearly as bad for Democrats as many thought it would be, starting with John Fetterman’s victory over Mehmet Oz in the closely watched Pennsylvania Senate race. Wow, I can’t believe a candidate with no government experience who lives in New Jersey and reportedly killed over 300 dogs lost a race for Senate in Pennsylvania.” —Seth Meyers

“Bitcoin stocks keep crashing. Right now Bitcoin is worth about as much as a Dr. Oz yard sign.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The National Park Service is asking visitors to please stop licking the hallucinogenic toads. The toads issued a statement telling the National Park Service to mind their own business.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Clowns and Serial Killers (Where do politicians come from?)

June 2022

“Of course I’m in a good mood today. It’s the first day of summer. Seriously, I heard so many White Claws crack open today I thought the cicadas were back.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You could tell it’s summer. This morning, my Uber driver drove around with the top down and by the top, I mean his shirt.” —Jimmy Fallon

“But yeah, summer is here, which means that you’ve got about a week until it’s pumpkin season at Starbucks.” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, today is the summer solstice, which means it’s the longest day of the year. So if today felt extra long, you’re either in our hemisphere or you own Bitcoin.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only thing falling faster is Bitcoin and Joe’s approval ratings (the new spokesperson for Life Alert)

June 2022

“Poor Biden — even his bike was like, ‘I’m sorry, but I can no longer support you.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I think we just found the new spokesperson for Life Alert.” — Sean Hayes, guest hosting “Jimmy Kimmel Live”

“If you want to see that clip again, it’s airing on a 24-hour loop on Fox News.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, it’s — it’s shocking. Not the fall, that Biden looks kind of good in bike shorts.” —Jimmy Fallon

“The only thing falling faster is Bitcoin and Joe’s approval ratings.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tough news for psychos whose first World guess is always Fetus (Good. That's a start.)

Cryptocurrency crashed this week, with Bitcoin losing nearly half its value, and now it has to legally change its name to Bit O’Coin. In fact, the entire crypto market has lost over $1 Trillion. But don’t worry, you can make that money back fast as long as you’ve been hoarding baby formula. —Colin Jost

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here smiling as a shelter dog gets passed up for adoption, led a congressional delegation for a surprise visit to Ukraine today. It’s weird because usually when McConnell shows up by surprise, it’s behind you in the bathroom mirror. —Colin Jost

The New York Times said it changed the answer for Monday’s Worldle which was fetus because it was too closely connected to a major news story. Tough news for psychos whose first World guess is always Fetus. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the world’s top social media network and Uncle radicalizer (Floods That Try to Explain Bitcoin to You)

October 2021

“But as the host I am “contractually obligated to be surprised about what’s happening in the world. Watch as I feign shock at record-setting rain in the west, just a week after the governor of California declared a drought emergency. San Francisco had the fourth wettest day in its history; Sacramento saw the most amount of rainfall in a day since 1880. The historic rain was caused by an offshore storm system known as a ‘bomb cyclone’ – because that’s what weather is now, just a combination of terrible things. So get ready for next week’s forecast of Murder Typhoon, Stab-icanes, and the rest of the week is Floods That Try to Explain Bitcoin to You.” —Stephen Colbert

“It is a monumentally bad day for Facebook, the world’s top social media network and Uncle radicalizer.” —Stephen Colbert

“A group of U.S. news organizations last week began publishing a series of stories based on internal Facebook documents showing that the social media platform spreads misinformation, incites violence and facilitates human trafficking. Even worse, it gives people from high school a way to get in touch with you.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now you’re just some creep with this underwear on the outside (What’s not to like?)

June 2021

“There has been a sharp turn in fortune for the cryptocurrency bitcoin, which has cratered in value in recent weeks amid crackdowns from China and the Internal Revenue Service. The cryptocurrency has also found an unlikely critic in Donald Trump, who called bitcoin a ‘scam’ in a recent appearance on the Fox Business Network. I would’ve thought Trump would be a huge fan of bitcoin. I mean, it’s a way to both hide dirty money and destroy the environment at the same time. What’s not to like?” —Trevor Noah

“But keep in mind, just because Trump calls it a scam doesn’t mean that he’s against it. It just means that he’s probably working on his own version. Like I say there’s a 99% chance that by the end of the year, he’s going to introduce the Trump coin. It might look like a Chuck-E-Cheese token, and you can only use it at Chuck-E-Cheese, but that’s called the blockchain.” —Trevor Noah

“Bitcoin’s value also plummeted thanks to news on Monday that the justice department seized 63.7 bitcoins, the equivalent of $2.7m, half the ransom paid by Colonial pipeline to Russian hackers following a ransomware attack that crippled gas lines in the south-eastern US. This a huge blow for bitcoin’s reputation, as the currency’s signature is its supposed untraceability. I mean, bitcoin without untracebility is like Superman without any powers. Now you’re just some creep with this underwear on the outside.” —Trevor Noah

“Bitcoin is facing a lot of headwinds right now, from increased regulation to the FBI tracking it around the internet like it’s a black guy in a department store.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or as Amazon warehouse workers call it: lunch (We have a greed problem)

June 2021

“In other news, America’s billionaires are like unicorns – rarely seen, mostly white, horny and don’t pay taxes. But you may not know that there’s more than one kind of billionaire: your run-of-the-mill multibillionaire putters around in their personal submarine like some kind of sea peasant, but the true hyper-elites have their own space programs, such as Amazon’s CEO, Jeff Bezos, who announced this week he intends to go to space this summer. As preparation for space flight, Bezos has asked his warehouse workers to show him how to pee discreetly into a tube. The astronauts onboard the New Shepard, a spacecraft produced by Bezos-owned Blue Origin, will experience weightlessness for just three minutes – or as Amazon warehouse workers call it: lunch.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, you know who this is great news for? Elon Musk, because you realize, for a few hours, he can be like, ‘Ha ha! I’m now the richest man on earth! Yes, the richest man! Oh, he’s back. I’m going to go tweet about Bitcoin now.’” —Trevor Noah

“My favorite part of the story is Jeff Bezos’s ship is auctioning off another seat for this trip. Why? You’re Jeff Bezos. Just pay the extra money to not sit with a stranger on a trip to space! I mean, this is the culmination of your childhood dream. You don’t want to spend it fighting over the arm rest.” —Trevor Noah

“And I know $2.8 million sounds like a lot of money for a trip to space, but keep in mind, that’s basically how much it costs to change your flight on United.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We all feel terrible this happened (invest your money with a Nigerian prince instead)

July 2020

“But for once, Russia is the second biggest hacking story of the day, because yesterday, major Twitter accounts were hacked in a Bitcoin scam. Now, if you’re not familiar, a Bitcoin scam is anything involving Bitcoin.” —Stephen Colbert

”Yep, Joe Biden was hacked. Afterward, he was like, ‘Don’t be fooled by this scam — invest your money with a Nigerian prince instead. He’s giving away free iPhone 7’s.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Twitter C.E.O. Jack Dorsey took to, well, Twitter to express his discontent, saying, ‘We all feel terrible this happened.’ Fun fact: ‘We all feel terrible this happened’ is Twitter’s official motto.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Any meat on those bones? (King Mookie)

It's come out that Red Sox star Mookie Betts is related to soon-to-be royal Meghan Markle. This means there's a chance that one day there will be a "King Mookie." --Conan O’Brien

In a new interview, billionaire Warren Buffett called Bitcoin "rat poison." Which is an unfair comparison because people actually understand how rat poison works. --Conan O’Brien

In Utah, a couple gardening in their yard found the skeleton of a 16,000-year-old horse. After hearing about it, Arby's asked, "Any meat on those bones?" --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”