The apple can fall from the tree and land in a billionaire wine cave (they actually get 72 raisins)

"The good news for al-Zarqawi is according to Islamic law, he does get 72 virgins. The bad news is they're all William Hung. Actually there is some disagreement among those who study the Koran about whether so-called martyrs get 72 virgins. Many say it is a mistranslation and they actually get 72 raisins." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Dow fell 504 points yesterday. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that means, but apparently it's really bad. On Wall Street they were calling it Black Monday. And John McCain was quick to point out it was Black Monday, not Old White Monday." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Cheney sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books (They both suck)

“Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.” –Jimmy Kimmel

We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding. –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made his big healthcare address to a joint session of Congress last night. It went pretty well, except for one weird part in the middle of it, when a congressman from South Carolina suddenly yelled out, 'You lie!' It's amazing this guy was able to sit through seven years of President Bush telling him everything in Iraq is fine without a peep, but last night, he yells out, 'You lie!'" --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books (explaining journalism to MSNBC)

“Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you learned nothing from Fox News? You pick your narrative and you stick with it -- and if the news doesn't fit your narrative, change your f**king news." –Jon Stewart, explaining journalism to MSNBC 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president (I'm pretty much over it)

"President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees' Derek Jeter said, 'You never get tired of meeting the president.' And then John McCain said, 'I'm pretty much over it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president." –Jay Leno

"And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, 'Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

When it comes to buying an elected official... (Members of congress for sale)

President Bush says he is still angry at Newsweek magazine for a story they ran about the army interrogators flushing a Koran down the toilet. President Bush is furious. Newsweek is angry as well and wants to know who read the story to President Bush. --Conan O’Brien 5/19/2005

This week the Supreme Court upheld upheld a rule that allows consumers to buy wine over the internet if you're over 21. But don't worry if you're under 21 you can still get wine from Michael Jackson. --Conan O’Brien 5/19/2005

Yesterday of voters in Los Angeles elected a new mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Voters admitted that they only voted for Villaraigosa because they want to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger pronounce it. --Conan O’Brien 5/19/2005

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Or as Bush calls it, 'a bi-bi.' (on the shelf next to George Washington's Torah)

"Earlier this evening at the White House, President Bush welcomed new members of Congress with what's being referred to as 'a bicameral, bipartisan reception.' Or as Bush calls it, 'a bi-bi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first Muslim member of Congress is planning to be sworn in on a copy of the Koran that was once owned by Thomas Jefferson. The congressman says he found Thomas Jefferson's Koran on the shelf next to George Washington's Torah." --Conan O'Brien

"Televangelist and radio enthusiast Pat Robertson made a major announcement yesterday. He says that God told him terrorists will conduct a mass killing in the United States late 2007. I think we found our lead suspect." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ousted Republicans Took Bibles With Them (First Name: 'The Late')

"When the Republicans were in power, their version of reality was worth ignoring facts for [on screen: And they did]. Now the Democrats are running the show and their version of reality is, unfortunately, based on reality, and we've got to bring the fight to them.. 

[on screen: Unless They're In A Cave in Tora Bora]. 

Fight fire with fire. Fight facts with facts. Here's a fact: The Democrats labeled the last Congress 'do-nothing,' but since the Democratic Congress convened last Thursday, they've already taken half of their days off..

[on screen: Saturday and Sunday]. 

Here's another fact: Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. Sound familiar? Saddam Hussein's last name is Hussein.. 

[on screen: First Name: 'The Late']. 

Another fact: Democratic Representative Keith Ellison of Minnesota was sworn into Congress on a Koran. I don't need to tell you what that means.. 

[on screen: Ousted Republicans Took Bibles With Them]." 

--Stephen Colbert, from The Colbert Report

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He sworn in on not just a Bible, but the Bible (Private Meeting, Do NOT Disturb)

"The new Democratic Congress being sworn in and oh, former Speaker Dennis Hastert does not look happy. I would not want to be the gallon of Ben & Jerry's waiting in his freezer." --Jon Stewart

"Those sworn in included a diverse group of Democrats, from Minnesota's Keith Ellison, America's first Muslim congressman who chose to be sworn in on a Koran, and 89-year-old Robert Byrd, sworn in on not just a Bible, but the Bible." --Jon Stewart

"The real history was being made in the House of Representatives where Nancy Pelosi became America's first female Speaker of the House [on screen: Pelosi offering children to come 'touch the gavel' after she was elected speaker]. I'm pretty sure that's what got the last Congress in trouble." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

For those of you unfamiliar with the Virgil Goode position (It took Muslims 200 years to win one seat)

"New Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison, a practicing Muslim, took his oath of office using a copy of the Koran. But even the fact that it was Thomas Jefferson's Koran didn't keep Virginia Republican Virgil Goode from sounding the alarm [on screen: Goode's letter, which reads: 'If American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding use of the Koran']. For those of you unfamiliar with the Virgil Goode position, in the Kama Sutra it's where a man masturbates while his head is up his own ass." --Jon Stewart

"But this is a serious policy discussion [on screen: Goode saying, 'I'm for restricting immigration so that we don't have a majority of Muslims elected to the United States House of Representatives']. It took Muslims 200 years to win one seat, so if current trends do hold, they will take the House of Representatives by the year 6520." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: Trump lifted all travel restrictions on clownfish (So that is good)

While all this was happening, Donald Trump was hosting a screening at the White House of the movie "Finding Dory," which ironically is a movie about a fish trying to find her parents. To his credit he was so moved by the film, he lifted all travel restrictions on clownfish. So that is good. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump spoke with a number of foreign leaders over the weekend, including the president of Mexico, the prime minister of Germany. He also spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him. Donald told him, yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much. –Jimmy Kimmel

Warm up the Virgins (Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan)

"We finally got some good news yesterday from the war in Iraq. As you have probably heard, the Air Force exploded Iraq's head of al Qaeda, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. I was looking forward to seeing what the New York Post had to say about it. This is the actual cover of the newspaper. There you see the dead face of al-Zarqawi with the cartoon bubble saying, 'Warm up the Virgins.' Coincidentally, 'Warm up the Virgins' is also Arnold Schwarzenegger's new campaign slogan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The good news for al-Zarqawi is according to Islamic law, he does get 72 virgins. The bad news is they're all William Hung. Actually there is some disagreement among those who study the Koran about whether so-called martyrs get 72 virgins. Many say it is a mistranslation and they actually get 72 raisins." --Jimmy Kimmel

Are you the Shiite head?/nutcrackers/All bibles

"This year the White House Christmas decorations include a 10-foot-tall nutcracker. Experts say this is the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, President Bush met with the head of one of Iraq's Shiite political parties. However, there was an awkward moment when Bush asked him, 'Are you the Shiite head?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Conservative columnist Dennis Prager this week blasted Minnesota Democrat Keith Ellison, the first Muslim elected to Congress, for his decision to take the oath of office with his hand on a Koran instead of a Bible. Like this guy did [on screen: Tom DeLay]. Or this guy [on screen: Mark Foley]. Or this guy [on screen: Richard Nixon]. All bibles." --Seth Myers

"This is the time of the year everybody's getting ready for the holidays. Earlier today, Dick Cheney brought home a Christmas tree that he shot." --David Letterman