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Showing posts with label corporate welfare. Show all posts
Showing posts with label corporate welfare. Show all posts

Thursday, September 30, 2021

America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon (Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch)


September 2021

“There is a potential for a government shutdown looming. It would be what one economist called ‘financial Armageddon.’ That’s bad news and even worse timing, because America’s already scheduled a plague Armageddon, a climate Armageddon and a democracy Armageddon.” — Stephen Colbert

“Yes, for one magical vote a year, senators leave the mortal world behind and enter an enchanted land of reconciliation. [singing to the tune of ‘Pure Imagination’ from ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’] Come with me, and you’ll be / In a world of reconciliation / It’s our sole remedy / Except for pure intoxication.” —Stephen Colbert

“Reconciliation is a phantasmagorical place of legislative wonder, where anything can happen. Who knows — maybe even something!” —Stephen Colbert


“Congress — that’s the only workplace less productive than Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch.” —Trevor Noah

“Republicans aren’t making it any easier, of course. They’ve already deployed their go-to weapon that always stops the Democrats from getting things done: other Democrats.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Saturday, August 28, 2021

Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments (the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller p*nises)


May 2013

"Unemployment is at the lowest rate in four years and the stock market hit 15,000 for the first time, or as FOX News put it 'F**king Obama.' Always undoing George Bush's greatest accomplishments." –Bill Maher


"A poll taken this week said that 44 percent of Republicans believe that armed rebellion may be necessary in the next few years to protect their liberties. You know what, I wish these fuck-ups would start their armed rebellion. I just want to see the look on their face when they walk out of the Waffle Hut and get smoked by a drone."–Bill Maher 


"70,000 gun nuts are meeting in Houston, Texas because the NRA is having their big convention down there. Which is actually good economic news for the city's hotels and restaurants, and also the hookers who generally prefer men with smaller penises." –Bill Maher


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Sunday, October 20, 2019

I got to where I am today is probably because my great-great-grandfather built the ark (To share his expertise on bad beards)

“Donald Trump Jr. just got paid $50,000 to give a speech at a college. If he wasn’t Donald Trump’s son, why else would they be asking him to speak, huh? To share his expertise on bad beards?” --Trevor Noah
“Even with their dad in office, the Trumps are still growing their business in places like India, Philippines, Indonesia, Uruguay — they’re all over the world. It’s like ‘The Amazing Race’ with no running and no chins.” --Trevor Noah
“I know for a fact, I know, the only reason I got to where I am today is probably because my great-great-grandfather built the ark.” --Trevor Noah

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Thursday, October 10, 2019

apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.' (two sizes -- regular and Washington Monument)


"In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Trojan Condom Company announced that it is donating 350,000 condoms to the city of Washington, DC. The DC condoms come in two sizes -- regular and Washington Monument." --Conan O'Brien

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire/Two and a Half Shiites/This is Bob


"New Hampshire is debating a bill to classify some airport screenings as sexual assault. California is debating a bill that would classify those same screenings as 'doing what you need to do to get the part.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Now, he's saying it's the fault of the teachers unions (Corporate Welfare Gone Wild!)


"Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on Al Qaeda. Now, he's saying it's the fault of the teachers unions." –Jay Leno

"Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs." –Jay Leno

"The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof." –Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sunday, August 11, 2019

When he has weird sex his safe word is speak up (I don't have a joke for that and I don't need one)

Today Trump’s selection for Director of National Intelligence, kind of an important job, he withdrew his name. Even Republicans were like this guy's awful. They found out he was an idiot, a partisan hack, and a compulsive liar. So he's staying in Congress where he belongs. --Bill Maher
I mean Joe Biden is getting on in years, and at the end of the debate when the candidates all try to you know, get people to contribute to their campaign, Joe invited people to visit his phone number. I don't have a joke for that and I don't need one. --Bill Maher
Joe Biden is getting on in years, come on. When he has weird sex his safe word is speak up. --Bill Maher
It's a bullish market. Lobbyists who used to just lease a congressman are now buying. --Bill Maher
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”


Thursday, April 11, 2019

Oh, my God. You look amazing (Free Stuff)

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers
According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers
That's right, a dog tested positive for methamphetamine after a walk in a nearby park. When asked what breed it was, the owner said, "A meth lab." --Seth Meyers
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”



Friday, March 29, 2019

as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly (Things we can afford)


"Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed  from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished." –Jay Leno

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin (No word yet on the mental)


"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

they're just like regular students except they do jello shots for the jello (pity sex)


Former President Clinton gave his two cents on the election. He said this Democrats shouldn't sit around and whine about the election. Instead, Clinton said Democrats should use the election as an excuse to ask for pity sex. --Conan O’Brien 11/05/2004

The Wall Street Journal reports that an increasing number of senior citizens are enrolling in college. I think that's a good thing. Officials say they're just like regular students except they do jello shots for the jello. --Conan O’Brien 11/05/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”