Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (New pants)

And finally, a man in England claims that his penis swelled to the size of a wine bottle recently after fracturing his urethra. When asked how he was treating it, the man said, "New pants." --Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison. –Seth Meyers

That's right. President Trump's childhood home in Queens is currently up for sale. And according to "The Wall Street Journal," one of the bedrooms features a sign pointing to the spot where he was likely conceived. It's sort of a map for any time travelers looking to save the world. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, 'I'm game!' (...and Balanced)

May 2012

"Oh, Jon! Did I ever tell you that I, Roger Ailes, plan to undermine the role of an independent press by constantly whining at any reportage that deviates from a staunch conservative narrative is biased, while at the same time filling the editorial vacuum that that creates by building a Conservative propaganda juggernaut in the guise of a news organization... Jon, I'm gonna call the organization Fox News, and its tagline will be -- you're gonna love this: 'A Fanatically Micro-Managed Media Fiefdom Where My Own Far-Right Agenda And Personal Sense of Victomhood Drive Every Aspect of the Operation... and Balanced.'" –Jon Stewart, "recalling" a conversation with Fox News Chief Roger Ailes

"Mitt Romney pledged this week (that) if elected president, he will drive down unemployment to 6% or lower before the end of his first term. Well, it's easy enough to do; all he has to do is re-hire the people he already fired." –Jay Leno

"Next week Mitt Romney will campaign in Las Vegas with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. Did somebody say 'The Hangover, Part III?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First lady Michelle Obama said that if she could trade places with anyone in the world, it would be Beyoncé. Of course it got awkward when Barack was like, 'I'm game!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Large, hivelike swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, and sex organs (Let’s say check)

“I looked up the side effects of this miracle drug hydroxychloroquine Trump is now taking. They include: ‘severe mood or mental changes.’ Check. ‘Feeling that others can hear your thoughts.’ Check. ‘Feeling, seeing or hearing things that are not there.’ Check. ‘Large, hivelike swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, and sex organs.’ Let’s say check.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And the side effects can potentially include agitation, insomnia, confusion, mania, hallucinations, paranoia, as well as lasting psychiatric and neurological symptoms, so either Trump’s lying about taking it, or he’s been taking it for 73 years.” —Seth Meyers

“Last night, Neil Cavuto of Fox News had the temerity to warn his viewers that this miracle drug is not recommended. Trump saw that and wrote, ‘@FoxNews is no longer the same. We miss the great Roger Ailes. You have more anti-Trump people, by far, than ever before. Looking for a new outlet!’ ‘The great Roger Ailes,’ by the way, is a man who was accused of sexually harassing at least 20 women who work for him before being forced out of Fox News and dropping dead.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A new outlet where? No outlet praises you more. That’s like Meryl Streep complaining about how the Oscars treat her.” —Seth Meyers

“Ah, yes, the great Roger Ailes, the famous creep who oversaw a culture of paranoia and sexual harassment at Fox News that led to him getting fired by liberal snowflake, let’s see, Rupert Murdoch.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Come on. It doesn’t pass the smell test (Oh, You mean 0.15 Iraq Wars?)

Brian Kilmeade of Fox & Friends wondered why Kirsten Gillibrand would announce that she’s running for president on The Colbert Report. Colbert, “What gives Brian Kilmeade? I thought we were ‘& Friends’. First of all it’s not the Colbert Report. It’s the Colbert ‘Repor.’ The T is silent - like you were during the Roger Ailes scandal. --Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert as Donald Trump talking about Elizabeth Warren’s home video: “Look, the whole thing’s ridiculous. Can you imagine a wife being glad her husband’s there? Come on. It doesn’t pass the smell test.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The only way a woman in that company can make as much as a man (tasering)

  

"Following a John Kerry speech this Monday at the University of Florida, a student asked too many questions, forcing security to provide him with the answers [on screen: video of the tasering]. Of course the mainstream media was horrified. Personally, I don't see what the big deal is about being tasered. It can't be worse than when I wash my hair and blow dry it at the same time." --Stephen Colbert

   

"O.J. Simpson's lawyer objected to O.J. being held without bail. He said if he were anyone besides O.J., he would have been released by now. If he was anyone but O.J., he'd be serving life for double murder right now." --Jay Leno

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I gave up being a princess for you (upside down pig)

A princess in Japan is giving up her royal status so she can marry a commoner. Which is something she’ll definitely bring up in every single fight she has with her husband. “Your friends are coming over for dinner? I gave up being a princess for you.” –Jimmy Fallon

It’s been a wild week for President Donald Trump. On Wednesday, the Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s connections to Russia. Robert Mueller will be the special counsel. And today, Trump reacted by saying, “No fair, why does that guy get to be called special?” –James Corden

I’m kidding; Trump reacted by tweeting, of course. This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” The single greatest — even when he’s whining, Trump still has to be the greatest. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

that’s enough for nearly two Cinnabons (“shortfalls”)

A picture went viral of a man delivering a 30-gallon tub of Cinnabon frosting on a bus — or as we call him in my house, Santa Claus. You just know everyone on that bus was like, “Forget my stop, I’ve got to see how this ends.” 30 gallons — that’s enough for nearly two Cinnabons. –James Corden

Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the “shortfalls” of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Karma? I hit on her once (Nice rack)

The New England Patriots visited the White House, and Patriots star Rob Gronkowski interrupted Sean Spicer's White House press briefing and asked if he needed help. Reporters all laughed while Sean Spicer whispered, "Yes." –Jimmy Fallon

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father." –Jimmy Fallon

After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O’Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I’d just like to say to Andy, "Nice rack." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

only Tom Brady can save us, and where is he? (changing the nouns)

At the site where the North Koreans are expected to test a nuclear missile, according to new images from our satellites, soldiers on the ground, instead of working frantically to get the test together, were seen playing volleyball. Which can only mean North Korea is planning to attack us with a volleybomb. And only Tom Brady can save us, and where is he? –Jimmy Kimmel

Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room. –Stephen Colbert

Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O’Reilly’s dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans

The reason that Trump doesn't like her is he claims Megyn Kelly is unfair, which makes sense. Fox News has a long and dark history of being unfair to Republicans. –Jimmy Kimmel

I have to believe Jeb Bush is excited. It's like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up. –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump’s campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorrow’s debate, saying, “Roger Ailes and Fox News think they can toy with him, but Mr. Trump doesn’t play games.” A statement that would carry a lot more weight if Trump hadn’t LITERALLY hosted a game show. –Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson said today that although Donald Trump has announced he will boycott the debate, Carson “wouldn’t be surprised if he did show up.” Then again, it’s Ben Carson. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn. –Seth Meyers

A recent poll found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have the most recognizable faces of the 2016 campaign. While Mike Huckabee and Chris Christie just have the most face. –Seth Meyers