The other half bet on the Green Bay Packers

While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump misquoted the Bible, saying "two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians." And, several times, instead of saying "God" he said "Donald Trump." –Conan O’Brien

Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, "Let’s do it this month!" –Conan O’Brien

It was reported today that 62 people own half of the world’s wealth. The other half bet on the Green Bay Packers. –Conan O’Brien

At last week’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz accused Donald Trump of having "New York values." Trump said that’s ridiculous, then, overcharged Cruz for a bagel. –Conan O’Brien

Which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit

Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson began with a moment of silence, then continued the debate with many, many more moments of silence. Although he may have been taking a power nap. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, Newark Liberty is the country’s least favorite airport. But only because LaGuardia is technically classified as a prison. –Seth Meyers

Last night was yet another Republican debate. CNN's GOP-alooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, the Venetian hotel and casino. The debate took place on the stage where "Phantom of the Opera" played for over six years. Which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit. –Stephen Colbert

Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?

A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, "Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?" –Conan O’Brien

Last night, the GOP debate took place in Las Vegas. CNN said the Republicans chose that location because "nothing says fiscal responsibility and wise choices like Las Vegas." –Conan O’Brien

Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels." –Conan O’Brien

Great — now I look fat.

Last night was the fifth Republican debate, and at one point Donald Trump was interrupted by a heckler yelling at him from offstage. Then the moderators said, "You'll have more than enough time to speak at your next debate, Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.” –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists are saying that an asteroid over a mile wide is going to pass by Earth on Christmas Eve, but they say it PROBABLY won't hit the Earth. Then the scientists were like, “Anyway, happy holidays, everyone!” –Jimmy Fallon

She-Bacca

The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix-up, Celine Dion and a white tiger. –Conan O’Brien

Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS." –Conan O’Brien

Critics are saying the new "Star Wars" film has strongly-written female characters. The most surprising of these is the new breakout character, "She-Bacca." –Conan O’Brien 

Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, "I expect to win Iowa." Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy. –Conan O’Brien

Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.

After the debate this week, online polls show Donald Trump is still in the lead, but critics say the poll is unscientific. Because even science can't explain how Donald Trump is still in the lead. –Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Donald Trump hinted that he might consider Chris Christie for his ticket if he wins the nomination. Not to be his vice president — to be his wall between America and Mexico. –Jimmy Fallon

I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, “Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.” –Jimmy Fallon

Melania, keep clicking!

Jeb needed a big win last night but he really disappeared. He finished seventh of eight in total talking time. He was the least-Googled candidate in the debate. The only person who Googled Jeb Bush last night was his mother, Barbara, because even she forgot who he was. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson did say he's tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to several online polls, Donald Trump was the winner of last night’s presidential debate. When reached for comment Trump said, “Melania, keep clicking!” –Seth Meyers

According to Politico, the new most-searched-for phrase associated with Jeb Bush is “is Jeb Bush still running for president?” Even worse, it’s the most-searched-for phrase on Jeb Bush’s computer. –Seth Meyers

reality TV show I would totally watch

Indonesia's anti-drug chief is proposing that the country puts narcotic offenders in a jail on an island surrounded by crocodiles. When I heard about the plan, I was shocked it came out of Indonesia, and not last night's Republican debate. –James Corden

The plan is to send the inmates food supplies every day but they will have to survive on their own. This already sounds like a reality TV show I would totally watch. –James Corden

In Indonesian prisons, if you break out of prison, I do not recommend telling your cellmates, "Later, alligator." Because after a while, you'll end up in a crocodile. –James Corden

sad pussycat

Last night was the fourth Republican debate. And if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium! –Jimmy Fallon

After some controversial statements recently, a lot of people had their eyes on Ben Carson last night. And at one point, he said that his 3-year-old granddaughter was at the debate because she said she wanted to go. And also because she's his most reliable fact-checker. –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia's fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that's also known, the best "Amazing Race" team EVER. –Jimmy Fallon

And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is

The third Republican debate was held last night, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said he was extremely disappointed with the coverage. And he understands disappointment, because his parents named him Reince Priebus. –Seth Meyers

China has revised its one child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children. Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off of work. –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush had a very rough night last night. He finally got time to say what he wanted, and how did he use it? He attacks not Donald Trump, not Hillary Clinton or Ben Carson. Of all people, he attacks Marco Rubio for missing votes in the Senate. Which is something that literally no one outside of Florida cares about. It was embarrassing. And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is. –Jimmy Kimmel

I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people." –Jimmy Fallon

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign. –Jimmy Fallon

This Saturday is Halloween and a lot of people this year are going as presidential candidates. However, I’m not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee. –Conan O’Brien

two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants

The math skills of American students have dropped for the first time since 1990. Or as American math students put it, "Since eight years ago." –Conan O’Brien

Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants. –Conan O’Brien

Did you see that baseball game last night? 14 innings. It was the second-longest game in World Series history, it was brutal. I'm exhausted. My wife said to me this morning, “You realize you're exhausted from watching other men play sports?” –Jimmy Kimmel

That World Series game last night was longer than a voice mail from your mother. –Jimmy Kimmel

The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot." –Conan O’Brien

Tonight’s Republican debate took place in Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Which explains why every single question from the audience was, "Where am I?" –Conan O’Brien

A new study just came out that shows decreasing the amount of sugar in obese children's diet improves their health within 10 days. The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween. –Conan O’Brien

a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house

Every time [the CNN debate] went to Donald Trump, Jeb Bush got this polite but disgusted look on his face. The same look a librarian would give you if you returned a book with a slice of cheese in the middle. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house. –Jimmy Kimmel

It was the only preparation he did for the debate

There was a moment from last night's debate that went viral. It was Donald Trump's very awkward attempt to high-five fellow [candidate] Ben Carson. People today are describing it as the worst high-five in history. That was not a spontaneous gesture by Trump. Trump has been practicing that high-five for weeks. It was the only preparation he did for the debate. –Conan O’Brien

Jeb Bush admitted he smoked pot 40 years ago. And Ben Carson was like, “Dude, I'm high right now. Why do you think I speak so slowly?” –Jimmy Kimmel

I wasn't anywhere near that dude

At last night’s Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. “I wasn't anywhere near that dude.” –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that David Allan Coe, the writer of the famous country song “Take This Job and Shove It,” was charged with tax evasion and owes the IRS almost half a million dollars. Which explains his new song called "Uh, Yeah, About That Job..." –Jimmy Fallon

NASA is working to create a new channel that broadcasts live video from space in super-high resolution. Also super-high: the people watching the NASA space channel. –Jimmy Fallon

I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump

Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump. –Jimmy Kimmel

Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. “The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.” He's right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs. –Jimmy Kimmel

Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist

Tomorrow night’s second GOP debate will take place at the Reagan Presidential Library. So on behalf of librarians everywhere, let me just say “shhh…” –Seth Meyers

New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon. –Seth Meyers

Kellogg’s announced today that it will be spending 450 million dollars in an effort to expand its food distribution to Africa. Though sadly, it was reported today that Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist. –Seth Meyers

Well, you're really helping THIS woman.

After being accused of making sexist comments about Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump went on CNN yesterday and said, “I cherish women. I want to help women.” Then Hillary said, “Well, you're really helping THIS woman.” –Jimmy Fallon

A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, “Quitting!” –Jimmy Fallon

Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor

One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor. –Jimmy Fallon

A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like “Feel the Bern.” They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says “Feel the Chafee.” –Jimmy Fallon

At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can’t rap. When they heard, Americans said, “Good!” –Jimmy Fallon