Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives (Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200)

"A study found Americans spend $1.2 trillion every year on stuff they don’t need. Or as Republicans call it, health care." –Jimmy Fallon

Former presidential candidates Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200. –Jimmy Fallon

We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! Alexis Bledel is here. She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Stepbrothers" with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with … Kevin Bacon! --Jimmy Fallon

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

her lifelong dream was to lose twice in the same election

Yesterday was a huge win for Donald Trump, who won all five of the primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. During his victory speech, Trump called it a “diverse victory.” And it’s true! Some people in those states shop at J. Crew, and others shop at the J. Crew OUTLET. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election. –Jimmy Fallon

Former presidential candidates Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200. –Jimmy Fallon

Jeb can't go home because his father and brother will laugh at him

Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. It’s not the first time Spitzer spent that much on something that only lasted an hour. -- Seth Meyers

According to a new report, Americans spent more money last year on legal marijuana than they did on Doritos and Cheetos combined. Or as pot smokers call that, “a salad.” -- Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush finished sixth behind Rand Paul who dropped out, but Jeb Bush is still running. He doesn't know what to do — if he loses he can't go home because his father and brother will laugh at him. –Jimmy Kimmel

I can’t take a hint

Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote. –Conan O’Brien

This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz "illegally stole" the election. Trump said, "Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election." –Conan O’Brien

This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint." –Conan O’Brien

A man in Canada has built a model of the Millennium Falcon that can clear snow off his driveway. Apparently it makes a nice, clear path to his door that no woman will ever enter. –Conan O’Brien

I mean, nothing!

Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren't actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year. –Jimmy Fallon

After receiving less than 1 percent support in the Iowa caucuses, Martin O'Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they've decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend. –Jimmy Fallon

On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, "And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!" –Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it'll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine

Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — “My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.” And then Bernie Sanders said, "Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma'am, are no Abraham Lincoln!" –Jimmy Kimmel

Martin O'Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he's running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, “I can't just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!” And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It's like “Magic Martin.” –Jimmy Kimmel