Nothing to see here (does Caitlyn Jenner get two gifts)

Attorney General Letitia James claims President Trump is having her watched. It could be worse, he could be having her weighed. —Greg Gutfeld

Yesterday of course was Mother's Day and next month it's Father's Day, which raises the question does Caitlyn Jenner get two gifts. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son (if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking)

This weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. People also celebrated Star Wars Day, May the Fourth — May the Fourth Be With You. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their other son — Jar Jar. --Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. I heard that you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for $200. So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking (You also won't find that staffer, either)

Yesterday, the State Department said that it can't find any emails belonging to Hillary Clinton's senior technology staffer from when Clinton was secretary of state. Then Hillary said (WIPES OFF HANDS), "You also won't find that staffer, either." –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday on “Good Morning America,” Joe Biden said he is “confident” that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, “Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know?” –Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. I heard that you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for $200. So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mother's Day in Iran sounds intense (Kids, go play in the meat pit)

On Sunday, there was a speech by Iranian President Hassan

Rouhani. The U.S. is about to reimpose sanctions on Iran,

and Rouhani warned, "America should know that peace with

Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother

of all wars." Mother's Day in Iran sounds intense. Do not

forget to get her a card. --Stephen Colbert

Hassan Rouhani also warned Trump “not to play with the lion's tail, because you will regret it eternally." That's just good advice. Also, do not play with the lion's mouth, you will regret it immediately. --Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, Trump continues his strategic and targeted trade war against everyone. This is bad news for a lot of businesses, but especially the U.S. meat industry. Thanks to new tariffs from China and Mexico, there's now 2.5 billion pounds of meat piled up. Good news for McDonald's AND McDonald’s Playlands. "Kids, go play in the meat pit." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But the good news is, Mom is really going to enjoy brunch this year (Three Little Words)

May 2021

“And finally, Mother’s Day is this weekend, according to six voicemails from your mother.” —Seth Meyers

“You know, there’s a limited supply of flowers this year. Because of Covid, here in California, a lot of growers switched to growing pot. Not a joke. We don’t have any flowers. But the good news is, Mom is really going to enjoy brunch this year.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking (I get the hint, Charles!)

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I want to say happy birthday to SpongeBob SquarePants, who just turned 20. You can tell he's getting old because, today, they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans. --Jimmy Fallon

I saw that you can now buy Crocs with little fanny packs attached to the ankles. Yeah, it's part of their exclusive new line called Abstinence. --Jimmy Fallon

And get this -- I heard NBC is going to have four hours of coverage before the Kentucky Derby race. Yeah, four hours leading up to two exciting minutes, or, as that's also known, prom. --Jimmy Fallon

And listen to this. I heard that you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for $200. So if you're looking for that perfect Mother's Day present, keep looking. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mother's Day in Iran sounds intense (Make your toilet great again!)

On Sunday, there was a speech by Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. The U.S. is about to reimpose sanctions on Iran, and Rouhani warned, "America should know that peace with Iran is the mother of all peace, and war with Iran is the mother of all wars." Mother's Day in Iran sounds intense. Do not forget to get her a card. --Stephen Colbert

Rouhani also warned Trump “not to play with the lion's tail, because you will regret it eternally." That's just good advice. Also, do not play with the lion's mouth, you will regret it immediately. --Stephen Colbert

Trump responded by punching caps lock and flooring it! "To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!" Yes, be cautious! You cross Donald Trump, and you're gonna get what the other dictators got: a friendly summit, a handshake, and, if you're not careful, an invitation to the White House. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me (Atta Boy!)

I have to say I’m very proud of myself. I made sure my wife had a great Mother’s Day. I got up early. I got up at 7 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed. I left the house, didn’t come back until nighttime. That way she could have the whole day with the kids, just her and a 2-year-old and an infant. And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump had a message for the moms of the world yesterday. He wrote, “Wishing FLOTUS Melania and all the great mothers out there a wonderful day with family and friends.” Then he went to play golf by himself. I’m pretty sure going to play golf alone on Mother’s Day while your wife takes care of the kid is grounds for divorce, isn’t it? –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

That's Sally Yates shoe, Ted! (trying to make a decision that won’t ruin the rest of my life)

Yesterday, President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a “taxpayer-funded charade.” And he said he’d be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Trump’s daughter Tiffany will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, “Congratulations to my non-Ivanka daughter!” –Jimmy Fallon

Just in time for Mother’s Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women’s bodies. Yep, it’s being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom. Good luck to the husband whose wife sends him out to buy her body wash. (WIFE ON PHONE) “Honey, you’ve been at CVS for over an hour, is everything OK?” (HUSBAND ON PHONE) “Yeah, just trying to make a decision that won’t ruin the rest of my life.” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Great campaign slogan -- Jeb Bush: Couldn't do any worse

"You can tell summer is just around the corner. Earlier today,  Dick Cheney injured an old guy in a fishing accident." --David Letterman

"Mother's Day is the busiest long distance phone calling day of the year. Over 300 million long distance calls. And those are just the ones being monitored by the White House." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said he'd like to see his brother, Jeb, become president. Great campaign slogan -- 'Jeb Bush: Couldn't do any worse.'" --Jay Leno

The guy on the box? He’s Jewish.

Researchers are claiming that humans can only maintain close relationships with five people. Which should make for an interesting Mother’s Day for my mom and her six children. –Conan O’Brien

A group is suing Quaker Oats saying their oatmeal is not 100 percent natural. And it gets worse: The guy on the box? He’s Jewish. –Conan O’Brien

Ted Cruz said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family. In response, his family said, “Are you sure you want to quit?” –James Corden