Basically accurate and reflect reality (He's Just Not That Into You)

"This news just came out. When President Bush flew home to Texas last week, they apparently showed a video of his greatest accomplishments during the flight. Yeah, word has it the video got them most of the way through take-off." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, earlier this week, all the e-mail service in the White House completely collapsed. No e-mails coming in, no e-mails going out. Everything had to be written down on paper by hand. It was like if John McCain had been elected president. " --Jay Leno

"Hey, there's a new HBO documentary out about Ted Haggard. Remember him? He was the preacher that got caught with the male hooker? Well, this new film focuses on Haggard's relationship with his wife. I believe it's called 'He's Just Not That Into You.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

As a final test, he was forced to spend two grueling hours in a sauna with O-Town (Ted's been a busy boy)

"Good news for Reverend Ted Haggard. Remember him? He was the President of the National Association of Evangelicals, who resigned last fall after he admitted fondness for gay men and meth amphetamines. After the scandal, he checked himself into Gay-A, which is increasingly popular. And it looks like things worked out great [on screen: reports that Haggard is now completely heterosexual following three weeks of intensive counseling]. As a final test, he was forced to spend two grueling hours in a sauna with O-Town." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I have some sad news for the gays, as they're referred to. Unfortunately, they have lost one of their own this evening -- Ted Haggard, the evangelical preacher, who as you know, was caught doing meth and f------ dudes. The Denver Post is reporting that he is now 'completely heterosexual.' People say how did they turn this clearly gay man into a heterosexual? It's very simple. You know when you were a kid and your father caught you smoking. Then he decided to make you smoke a carton. Ted's been a busy boy." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He says he will prove he is completely heterosexual by having sex only with men who are completely heterosexual (I was hoping to get some tang)

"There's a big love triangle. This woman astronaut was going to kidnap another woman because they were in love with the same guy. So this woman astronaut drives 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper. This is one giant step for man, one giant leap to the nuthouse." --David Letterman

"A female astronaut has been arrested for attacking another astronaut's girlfriend with a BB gun, a mallet, and pepper spray, after she drove 900 miles wearing a diaper. After hearing about it, NASA officials said, 'We may need to add a new question to the astronaut entrance exam.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It turns out the female astronaut was trying to kidnap the other woman because they're both in love with the same astronaut. The male astronaut was disappointed the female astronaut was arrested and said, 'I was hoping to get some tang.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Haggard, the minister who was caught with a gay prostitute, has just finished a three-week sex addiction program. He says he is now 'completely heterosexual.' Haggard says he will prove he is completely heterosexual by having sex only with men who are completely heterosexual." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

or as NASA calls that, an unauthorized docking procedure (breaking the old record set by Larry King)

"Pastor Ted Haggard ... has emerged from three weeks of gay rehab and says he is no longer gay. At least that's what he told his roommate in rehab, Isaiah Washington. He had a three-year relationship with a male prostitute, and after three weeks of therapy you're not gay anymore? I mean, what kind of Clockwork Orange treatment are they using on that guy? Do they give him electro shock while playing Broadway musicals?" --Jay Leno

"This female astronaut ... tried to kidnap and murder another NASA engineer, who was her romantic rival. She put on a wig and attacked the other woman with pepper spray and a BB gun, after driving 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, Florida, in diapers, so she wouldn't have to stop to pee. She drove 900 miles wearing diapers, thus breaking the old record set by Larry King." --Jay Leno

"I guess you know the big story today. Houston, we have a problem. Oh my god! The woman astronaut told police she was involved in a relationship with another NASA astronaut that was 'more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship.' or as NASA calls that, an unauthorized docking procedure." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

To prove it, he ate a Snickers bar while pulling out his chest hair (the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever did)

"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation's history. It is the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. It is widely regarded as the greatest comedy event of the century. The AARP is using the occasion to remind seniors not to go hunting with the vice president. It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration ever does." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed ... in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary." --Jay Leno

"After three weeks of therapy and counseling, Reverend Ted Haggard announced he's now completely heterosexual. To prove it, he ate a Snickers bar while pulling out his chest hair." --Jay Leno

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You hear that, gay people? Three weeks (carried around Washington Cleopatra-style)

"The Reverend Ted Haggard, who was forced out of his church after a former male prostitute alleged that Haggard paid him for sex, says that he is now completely heterosexual after attending an intensive, three-week counseling program. You hear that, gay people? Three weeks. Stop being so lazy." --Seth Meyers

"Many Republicans are upset with Speaker Nancy Pelosi's recent demand for regular use of the Air Force's C-32 -- the same type of aircraft the Vice President and the first lady use. They're also not thrilled with her demand to be carried around Washington Cleopatra-style." --Amy Poehler

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

A few haiku for you... (happy endings)

Katrina coming

George Bush tells New Orleans

take very deep breath

President George Bush

did much damage to U.S.

could be al-Qaeda

Reverend Haggard

liked preaching and massages

with happy ending

Bush, the decider

forgot to read memo

al-Qaeda attacks

Hey, it's not like I married the guy!

"It's astounding to me that this is the scandal. At the same time this week, George Bush said that Cheney and Rumsfeld are doing a fantastic job and that he is 'pleased with the progress we're making in Iraq.' I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we have another president with Alzheimer's disease." --Bill Maher

"The leader of a Christian group has resigned after allegations surfaced that he frequently paid a man for sex. People are shocked because this guy's always been a critic of gay marriage. In defense, the Christian leader said, 'Hey, it's not like I married the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Haggard, the leader of the largest evangelical organization in America, resigned because a gay male prostitute said that he and the reverend had been having lots of meth amphetamine-fueled sex. Now the reverend did the Christian thing earlier this week and denied it. Now he says, 'Okay, I did hire a gay male prostitute, but only for a massage.' To which Mark Foley said, 'I'm even calling this one b--- s---.'" --Bill Maher

Saddam Hussein's reaction to his death sentence

"After a nine-month trial, an Iraqi high tribunal sentenced former dictator Saddam Hussein to death by hanging. Which, in Iraq, is still considered natural causes. The verdict prompted jubilation in Baghdad, where overjoyed Shiites took to the streets. Many of Saddam's fellow Sunnis demonstrated in Takreet. Here's what I think is the problem we're having in Iraq: We can't tell who's happy and who's mad." --Jon Stewart

"Saddam Hussein couldn't have been more pleased. The death by hanging sentence was a plea bargain. It was knocked down from the standard sentence for crimes against humanity, which is beheading, re-heading, a semi-lethal injection coupled with an electrocution, a 15-minute time-out to think about what you've done and then they give you Lou Gehrig's disease." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Saddam Hussein's reaction to his death sentence

"Reverend Ted Haggard, president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his post this weekend after admitting to a three-year relationship with a gay hooker. Oh, and he also used and purchased crystal meth. Because if you're the head of a gay-hating organization and you're having a gay affair, why not go nuts?" --Jon Stewart

That's like robbing Paul to pay for Peter (stop the intercourse here at home)

"Drugs? Nude massages? Is it getting to where you can't tell the Protestant clergy from a Catholic priest?." --Bill Maher

"They say (Haggard) used church funds to pay for the male prostitute. That's like robbing Paul to pay for Peter." --Jay Leno

"MSNBC is reporting that the average poll worker for this Tuesday's election will be 72, and that many seniors are not comfortable with computerized voting, which explains why the projected winner is expected to be Franklin Delano Roosevelt." --Conan O'Brien

"The Bush administration is now spending tens of millions of dollars on an ad campaign to convince unmarried adult Americans to stop having sex. So, we're trying to stay the course in Iraq and stop the intercourse here at home." --Jay Leno

Hey, it's not like I married the guy (old man population)

"Vice President Dick Cheney says he will spend election day tomorrow hunting. Hunting the most dangerous prey of all -- old men. This will be the vice president's first hunting trip since he shot his friend in the face since last February and its about time. The old man population is getting out of hand." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The leader of a Christian group has resigned after allegations surfaced that he frequently paid a man for sex. People are shocked because this guy's always been a critic of gay marriage. In defense, the Christian leader said, 'Hey, it's not like I married the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Ted Haggard, the leader of the largest evangelical organization in America, resigned because a gay male prostitute said that he and the reverend had been having lots of meth amphetamine-fueled sex. Now the reverend did the Christian thing earlier this week and denied it. Now he says, 'Okay, I did hire a gay male prostitute, but only for a massage.' To which Mark Foley said, 'I'm even calling this one b--- s---.'" --Bill Maher

you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute

"Ted Haggard was exposed by a male escort named Mike Jones, who said he was troubled by the hypocrisy of Haggard's public support for a Colorado initiative to ban same-sex marriage. And you know you're in trouble when you've ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute." --Jon Stewart

"Over the weekend, Ted Haggard released a statement saying he's a deceiver and a liar. See to me, I think it's way too soon to announce you're going into politics." --Jay Leno

"The big news this weekend was a verdict in the Saddam Hussein trial. On Sunday, Saddam was sentenced to death by hanging. Saddam had a lot to say about the decision. Normally he's all for executions in Iraq, but this one not so much. I think someone's turning into an old softie." --Jimmy Kimmel

why not go nuts?

"Yesterday in Iraq, after Saddam Hussein was found guilty, there was celebratory gunfire in the streets. Unfortunately, it couldn't be heard over the regular gunfire." --Conan O'Brien

"Saddam Hussein couldn't have been more pleased. The death by hanging sentence was a plea bargain. It was knocked down from the standard sentence for crimes against humanity, which is beheading, re-heading, a semi-lethal injection coupled with an electrocution, a 15-minute time-out to think about what you've done and then they give you Lou Gehrig's disease." --Daily Show correspondent John Oliver, on Saddam Hussein's reaction to his death sentence

"Reverend Ted Haggard, president of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals, resigned his post this weekend after admitting to a three-year relationship with a gay hooker. Oh, and he also used and purchased crystal meth. Because if you're the head of a gay-hating organization and you're having a gay affair, why not go nuts?" --Jon Stewart

it turned out he was a George Michael Republican

"The GOP is concerned about Republican voter turnout. Right now instead they have a congressman and a preacher that are coming out instead of turning out." --Jay Leno

"Pastor Ted Haggard has stepped down from his position. He was thought to be a George Bush Republican. Instead it turned out he was a George Michael Republican." --Jay Leno

"Midterm elections tomorrow. According to a new study, voters are more likely to vote for a candidate with good looks and charisma. If you want proof, just ask that stud Dennis Hastert." --Conan O'Brien

Then Bush pardoned a ham and appointed it to the Supreme Court

"Former evangelist James Dobson says he wants to work on the panel that's going to help his friend Ted Haggard go from being gay to not gay, but he says the process could take 4-5 years, and he says he doesn't have the time. See I would love to be on that panel, teaching the guy how not to be gay. What, are you going to strip clubs all day? Having all your lunches at Hooters?" --Jay Leno

"Henry Kissinger says the war in Iraq is un-winnable. And if anybody knows how not to win a war its Henry Kissinger." --Jay Leno

"Every year, President Bush gets to pardon one turkey, and this year it was Donald Rumsfeld." --David Letterman

"Yesterday the two turkeys pardoned by President Bush were flown to Disney World to be grand marshals of Disney World's Thanksgiving Day parade. Then the president pardoned a ham and appointed it to the Supreme Court." --Conan O'Brien

she had to ask the male hooker to pass the potatoes

"This week President Bush is planning to attend a two-day NATO summit to discuss strategies for the war in Afghanistan. President Bush will be giving a speech called "Strategies, Who's Got One?'" --Conan O'Brien

"First Daughter Barbara Bush had her purse stolen. Somebody snatches her purse. What was in that purse, her father's plan for Iraq. Now we have to start all over again. A lot of people wondering if President Bush will be mad at his daughter for losing her purse. Hey, he lost the House and Senate." --Jay Leno

"The pastor, Ted Haggard, had a big Thanksgiving dinner at his house, it was a little awkward for the wife though, especially when she had to ask the male hooker to pass the potatoes." --Jay Leno