"Why does Robert
Novak hate and why me? It's like I publicly revealed some piece of information
he didn't want people to know, and ruined his career. And then, kept asserting
it was everyone else's fault, but mine. I don't like this bad blood between us,
Robert. If you're watching, and I know you're not, I think it's time to bury
the hatchet. We need to get together and talk. We'll meet on neutral ground.
You're on Fox. I'm on Comedy Central. How about the Food Network? We can work
this out because I know that you're a good person deep down in your thing that
they replaced your heart with. I see your redeeming qualities. For example,
when I see you on television, you generously absorb all light and oxygen. When
you leave an area, it stops raining. And I know in the past I've referred to
you as a douchebag, but that's not an air of grandeur, that's just mean. I only
said those things to you because I sincerely believe you're a terrible
person." --Jon Stewart
"Remember America, we
started with an armed conflict. It's called the Revolutionary War, not the
Revolutionary let's all sit down and talk about our feelings. So I'm surprised
to hear the military can't find enough new recruits even after increasing the
maximum recruitment age to 41. I don't get it. Why aren't ageing baby boomers
jumping at the chance for an exciting second career? They've even lowered the
physical requirement. For a 17 year-old soldier the requirements are 47 sit-ups
and 35 push-ups but for a 41 year-old it's a tough but fair 29 sit-ups and 24
push-ups. And eventually when they start recruiting retirees, say by March
2007, elderly troops will qualify with two stand-ups, five thumbs-ups, and a
2-minute complaint about the salad dressing selection at Bennigans."
--Stephen Colbert
