"The preacher who predicted the apocalypse last weekend now predicts that the world will end in October. It's the first time that someone's end-of-the-world prediction was followed by 'Have a great summer.'" –Conan O'Brien
"Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him." –Conan O'Brien
Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien
"Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building a wall between Mexico and the United States. After hearing this, former President Bill Clinton said, 'She means a metaphorical wall of silence and resentment. Trust me.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert. In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on a leather mask and say that to my ass.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. Yeah, but so can hiring someone else to do it for you — just ask Maria Shriver." –Jimmy Fallon
"Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children." –Jimmy Fallon
"Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather's Pizza, announced that he's running for president. And this is cool — if his campaign isn't over in 30 minutes or less, you get your pizza for free." –Jimmy Fallon
"The world was supposed to end last Saturday but at the last minute, it was picked up for another season." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Some people sold all their possessions to prepare for Judgment Day. They're idiots. If the world does end, what are you going to do with your money? Walmart is closed." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to October 21, which is great because now I don't have to buy a Halloween costume." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Apparently the Rapture is being produced by the same people that produced 'Spider-Man the Musical.'" –Jimmy Kimmel
"Oprah's show is ending. I tried to get my doctor to euthanize me, but the co-pay was ridiculous." –Jimmy Kimmel
It's an exciting day tomorrow, a rare event. Leap Day is tomorrow and the way the stock market is going there's gonna be a lot of leaping. —Bill Maher
The Stock Market lost six trillion dollars because of the Coronavirus. Billionaires have lost so much money Michael Bloomberg is not even sure anymore he buy the country. —Bill Maher
Is the Coronavirus serious? Yes it is. The CDC is now calling the virus Covid-19. And you know a disease is serious when they give it a rap name. —Bill Maher
We have to take more precautions now. I mean just assume everyone is infectious. The same warning they give contestants on The Bachelor. —Bill Maher
Fortunately Donald Trump is in charge and by fortunately I mean, Oh F*ck! —Bill Maher
We have a president who thinks this coronavirus is a minor annoyance like the common cold or the Constitution of the United States. —Bill Maher
Who did Trump appoint as the person to head up this massive medical emergency, Mike Pence. Who doesn't even believe in evolution. Really? It's like making Jared Kushner ambassador to Funkytown. —Bill Maher
“Trump’s lack of preparedness is clear in his appointment of Pence as head of the coronavirus response. What medical experience does Mike Pence have? At best, he looks like a CPR doll who won’t let you do mouth-to-mouth on it.” —Seth Meyers
“The stock market is down and the coronavirus is up – this planet is going to Purell in a handbasket. It’s interesting that Trump picked Mike Pence to handle this especially because in 2014, Donald Trump tweeted: ‘Obama just appointed an Ebola Czar with zero experience in the medical area and zero experience in infectious disease control. A TOTAL JOKE!’ Trump really does have a tweet for everything. It’s like if Donald Trump from the past is trying to stop Donald Trump in the future, and it’s just not working. A cruel irony of this national health emergency? Back in May 2018, the Trump administration disbanded the national pandemic response team to save money – although to be fair, who could’ve ever seen something like that coming in handy?” —Jimmy Kimmel
“As coronavirus, also known as Covid-19, spreads, Wall Street is panicking. The Dow lost 2,000 points in the first three days this week, so Donald Trump held a press conference to reassure nervous investors. On Thursday, it bounced back by plunging almost 1200 points – the largest single-day drop in US history. America already has its first case of unknown origin, meaning it’s likely, according to medical experts, that there are people in the country unknowingly infected. Of course, during any health scare, it’s important to stay away from dangerous transmission vectors, in this case, mainly the internet, which is full of fake cures for coronavirus, such as boiled garlic or drinking bleach. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but don’t drink bleach. A) it’s bad for you, and B) it ruins the taste of the Tide Pods.” —Stephen Colbert
The coronavirus has spread to 52 countries on six continents, and various governments are taking serious measures: Spain’s Canary Islands quarantined hotels, South Korea suspended military drills and Saudi Arabia shut down entry into the country for those making the religious pilgrimage to Mecca. And they didn’t stop there – in an even more drastic move, Saudi Arabia said that women aren’t allowed to leave their homes starting 80 years ago.” —Trevor Noah
“Basically, the coronavirus is going after everybody, which is really scary, but also really woke. You don’t think about it, but the coronavirus is more diverse than the Oscars – everyone gets a chance. Less welcome is the news that Pence will be in charge of the response, although Noah argued it could be a stroke of genius: I know it seems ludicrous, but maybe the plan is to just have Mike Pence bore the virus to death.” ——Trevor Noah