“President Trump is concerned, not necessarily for health reasons, but because the Dow was down almost 1,200 points today. It was the worst one-day drop ever in the history of the stock market. And a soft economy could hurt his chances for re-election. It’s virus versus virus right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Yes, the stock market is tanking right now, except for stocks like Peloton and Netflix, because those companies win when people don’t leave their houses. Yeah, but I still think these companies need to innovate to keep up with the virus, you know? Like usually, if you’ve been bingeing ‘Love Is Blind’ for 10 hours, a screen pops up and asks, ‘Are you still watching?’ Yeah, but going forward, it should probably say ‘Are you still alive?’ And the answer is probably ‘No, because Cameron and Lauren’s romance destroyed me!’” —Trevor Noah
“But I don’t get why Peloton is blowing up. There’s no point in exercising during the apocalypse. Yeah, because when you finally go outside, you have a six-pack but no one there to appreciate it.” —Trevor Noah
“That’s the only thing Trump cares about, the stock market. For one thing, it’s very easy to understand, there’s no reading involved. All you have to do is look at the little arrow on the bottom of the TV and find out whether it’s red or green.” —Seth Meyers
“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
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