http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
JOKES: How much damage could he do in a week? (where the good Lord split ya)
So this is our
first show of the Trump administration. You ever regret going on vacation?
"Take the week off," they said. "America will still be here when
you get back," they said. "How much damage could he do in a
week?" –Stephen Colbert
You've got to give
the guy credit. He can really get a lot of stuff undone. From Obamacare to
climate change to torture, he's already moved the country back to 2004. If this
keeps up, pretty soon, I’m going to launch "The Colbert Report."
–Stephen Colbert
This guy is the
Usain Bolt of executive orders. The latest is the order banning any refugees
from entering the country for 120 days. Now, keep in mind, there are currently
more refugees than at any time since World War II, and Trump just slammed the
door. Explains why the poem on the Statue of Liberty now reads, "Don't let
it hit ya where the good Lord split ya." –Stephen Colbert
And at Dulles
Airport, a 5-year-old Iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his
mother. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, "alternative daycare."
–Stephen Colbert
JOKES: where's he going to find his next wife? (Geneva Refugee Convention)
If Donald Trump —
think of this, if he stops all the immigrants from coming into the country,
where's he going to find his next wife? –Jimmy Kimmel
German Chancellor
Angela Merkel this weekend reportedly had to explain the Geneva Refugee
Convention to President Trump during a phone call. She also had to explain to
him not to push the buttons while they were talking. –Seth Meyers
Two New Hampshire
Burger King employees were arrested last week after selling marijuana at their
drive-thru. Which is crazy, who goes to Burger King before they get weed? –Seth
Meyers
JOKES: Trump lifted all travel restrictions on clownfish (So that is good)
While all this was
happening, Donald Trump was hosting a screening at the White House of the movie
"Finding Dory," which ironically is a movie about a fish trying to
find her parents. To his credit he was so moved by the film, he lifted all
travel restrictions on clownfish. So that is good. –Jimmy Kimmel
Trump spoke with a
number of foreign leaders over the weekend, including the president of Mexico,
the prime minister of Germany. He also spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an
hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him. Donald told him,
yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much. –Jimmy Kimmel
JOKES: that way Sean Spicer won't hurt himself when he eventually jumps out the window
Travelers from the
seven restricted countries, most of them got on a plane, had no idea they would
be stopped, were detained by immigration, including a 5-year-old boy who was
detained for hours while his mother, who was born in Iran, waited at the gate
for him. And that meant lucky Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, had
the unenviable job trying to explain how detaining a 5-year-old helps keep the
country safe. –Jimmy Kimmel
Fortunately the
White House press room is on the ground floor, which is good because that way
Sean won't hurt himself when he eventually jumps out the window. –Jimmy Kimmel
JOKES: the fajitas come out on a sizzling Galaxy Note 7
A gourmet
restaurant in San Francisco is now offering a signature dish that is served on
an iPad. Or as it will be reported next week, "Restaurant in San Francisco
suddenly missing all of its plates." –James Corden
Not all of the
entrees at this restaurant come out on an iPad. For example when you order the
fajitas, they come out on a sizzling Galaxy Note 7. –James Corden
You know how over
the course of his time in office, over four years or eight years, the president
gets old and his hair turns gray? During this administration, instead of him,
that’s going to happen to all of us.
–Jimmy Kimmel
JOKES: No New Texans/Brown v. Orange/inheriting their father’s business
During an interview
yesterday, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus.
That's right, two guys who started out by inheriting their father’s business.
–Conan O’Brien
California Gov.
Jerry Brown said if he has to he will fight Donald Trump in court on climate
change. Experts say it will be the landmark case of Brown v. Orange. –Conan
O’Brien
An art gallery in
Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear
named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500.
Fifteen paintings — that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire
lifetime. –James Corden
JOKES: Trump said, "I was amazed by Dory’s long attention span."
They asked Trump
about "Finding Dory" and Trump said, "I was amazed by Dory’s
long attention span." –Conan O’Brien
This weekend the
nation's airports were filled with people protesting president Trump's Muslim
ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every
United Airlines flight. –Conan O’Brien
The CEO of
Starbucks has pledged to hire 10,000 refugees. So if you think they're writing
your name incorrectly on the cups now . . . –Conan O’Brien
JOKES: Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport
A group of inmates
in California filmed a YouTube video from prison where they vowed to help El
Chapo escape. El Chapo was excited to watch it, but then a 30-second ad popped
up and he was like, "Ugh — forget it." –Jimmy Fallon
Tostitos is coming
out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's
how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably
drunk. –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Donald
Trump spent the afternoon at the White House watching "Finding Dory"
with his family. Apparently in this version Dory couldn't be found because she
was being detained at the airport. –Conan O’Brien
JOKES: Then Melania said, "Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it."
Here in New York
thousands of people showed up at JFK airport over the weekend to protest
Trump's immigration ban. People who were actually at the protests said,
"This is awful." While people at LaGuardia were like, "You think
you got it bad. We're at LaGuardia." –Jimmy Fallon
After Senate
Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump's travel
ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, "Trust me, he
doesn't know when someone is faking it." –Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday at the
White House, Trump hosted a screening of the movie "Finding Dory."
Trump said he actually related more to "Finding Nemo" because that
was about an orange-and-white cartoon. –Jimmy Fallon
Monday, January 30, 2017
Sunday, January 29, 2017
JOKES: James Bond was there (we're not sure if Abe Vigoda is dead)
"Last
night, Hillary
and Obama debated at the Kodak Theatre. The camera showed so
many celebrities in the audience, I thought I was watching a Lakers game.
Hillary and Obama. Is it just me or did they look like the local weekend news
anchor team? 'Over to you, Hillary. That is a lot of puppies. Thank you.'"
--Bill Maher
"This
is who the Democrats brought out last night -- James Bond was there, Leo
DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John
McCain was campaigning
with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little
celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone
who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.'
And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it,
and we're not sure if Abe Vigoda is dead.'" --Bill Maher
JOKES: How did that get there? (getting religion on issues)
"I
watched this speech. It is so infuriating the way Bush has a way of getting
religion on issues that he has been resisting forever, and then he acts like he
thought of it and we're the a-------. This government must stop spending money
we don't have! He actually had the nerve to say, 'For the sake of the environment,
we got to use less oil. Some dips--- has been dragging his feet on global
warming around here. When I find out who's in that guy's body, I'm going to
f--- him up.'" --Bill Maher
"I
hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elected a black-out drinker. This
is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get
there?'" --Bill Maher
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