When will one of these stories have a happy ending?

"'The National Enquirer' says Sarah Palin’s husband Todd has been having an affair with a massage therapist who’s also been arrested for prostitution. What is it with all these massage therapists? Al Gore, Brett Favre, and now Todd Palin. When will one of these stories have a happy ending?" –Jay Leno



"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." –Bill Maher



"While in Washington, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with members of Congress. It was very festive as the leader of Red China met with our orange speaker of the House." –Jay Leno



If for no other reason than the raw sexual tension

"After Larry King and Regis Philbin, Keith Olbermann is leaving television. Bad things always happen in threes — like the Jonas Brothers." –Craig Ferguson


"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan." –Conan O'Brien




"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension." –Conan O'Brien



They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel



"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month." –Jay Leno



"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed." –Jay Leno



Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno



"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno



"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O'Brien 

Somebody must tell him, there are easier ways to have sex with men

"Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Tom DeLay has done only two things since leaving politics – 'Dancing with the Stars,' and now prison. Somebody must tell him: there are easier ways to have sex with men." –Bill Maher



"In her video posted on her Facebook page, Sarah Palin condemned the media's coverage of the Arizona shootings by using the phrase 'blood libel,' which refers to a harsh anti-Semitic slur. And I would be super-offended if I thought she knew that." –Seth Meyers



This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman



"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman



"The Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus as their new chairman. “Reince Priebus” is also the name of a car driven by Jay Leno." –David Letterman

I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz

"Dick Cheney may need a new heart. I say we waterboard the Wizard of Oz." –Stephen Colbert



"Dick Cheney had to consult his physician today. Not for his heart. Every time the price of oil goes up more than $1 a barrel, Cheney gets an erection that lasts more than 4 hours." –Jay Leno



"Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. I understand Halliburton has a no-bid contract to do the installation on it." –Jay Leno



The world's most powerful communist — and the president of China

"The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing." –Conan O'Brien



"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson



"The debate over repealing healthcare began in the House today. The republicans have their own plan: 'Don't ask, don't get sick.'" –Jay Leno



In China, they're calling him an orange chicken

"President Obama says he'll go to the Super Bowl if the Chicago Bears are playing in it. Sarah Palin says she'll go to the Super Bowl if actual bears are playing in it." –Jimmy Fallon



"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon



"Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less." –Conan O'Brien



The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney's annual autopsy

"The cellist Yo-Yo Ma was at the White House. It's the first yoyo we've had in the White House since George W. Bush." –David Letterman 



"Dick Cheney says he may need a heart transplant. The doctors discovered the problem during Cheney's annual autopsy." –David Letterman 



"On the other hand, George W. Bush is still waiting on his brain transplant." –David Letterman

Passed straight through and came out the other side

"Good news. Congresswoman Gabby Giffords is able stand up and the next stop is rehab. Now if we could only say the same thing about Charlie Sheen. In a related story, Sarah Palin's doctors say that any idea that entered her brain this week passed straight through and came out the other side." –Bill Maher



"Every Republican in Congress voted to repeal the health care legislation. They admitted it was symbolic, but it does enable Republicans to brag in campaign ads next year that they voted to let poor people die." –Bill Maher



"What amazes me is that that kind of stuff never makes John Boehner cry. Congress this week was recognizing the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's inauguration, a man that John Boehner doesn't like, has no allegiance with politically, and it was 50 years ago. He cried. This guy is an ad for Paxil." –Bill Maher



A picture with orange man who leaks

"Next week Boehner will be sitting behind Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely try to embarrass him by telling the story of Old Yeller. The State of Our Union is strong, but not so good for one special dog.'" –Bill Maher



"Boehner was subject to some controversy because the President hosted President Hu of China this week, and Boehner was invited to the State Dinner and did not come. President Hu was very disappointed. He promised his friends back home that he would get a picture with 'orange man who leaks." –Bill Maher



"It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his." –Bill Maher



When will one of these stories have a happy ending?

"'The National Enquirer' says Sarah Palin’s husband Todd has been having an affair with a massage therapist who’s also been arrested for prostitution. What is it with all these massage therapists? Al Gore, Brett Favre, and now Todd Palin. When will one of these stories have a happy ending?" –Jay Leno



"Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card." –Bill Maher



"While in Washington, Chinese President Hu Jintao met with members of Congress. It was very festive as the leader of Red China met with our orange speaker of the House." –Jay Leno



A West Texas girl, just like me.

''I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.''

—President George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

''I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it.''

—President George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Nov. 10, 2007

''Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah

''I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah.''

—President George W. Bush, at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001

''Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.''

—President George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

''I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we.

''The legislature's job is to write law. It's the executive branch's job to interpret law.''

—George W. Bush, Austin, Texas, Nov. 22, 2000

''It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.''

—President George W. Bush, Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

''Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.

''I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things.''

—President George W. Bush, aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

''I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound largemouth bass in my lake.''

—President George W. Bush, on his best moment in office, interview with the German newspaper Bild am Sonntag, May 7, 2006

''You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the ones you need to concentrate on.''

—President George W. Bush, at the 2001 Gridiron dinner

Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign.

''I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure.''

—George W. Bush, interview with the Associated Press, Jan. 18, 2001

''Tribal sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities.''

—President George W. Bush, speaking at a gathering of minority journalists, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

''Reading is the basics for all learning.''

——President George W. Bush, Reston, Va., March 28, 2000

Going into a shut-in's house and say I love you

''I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.''

—President George W. Bush, Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

''Actually, this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.''

—President George W. Bush, interview on "Hardball", MSNBC, May 31, 2000

''People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.

''I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here.''

—President George W. Bush, at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

''Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.''

—President George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict, Washington, D.C., April 15, 2008

''I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft.''

—President George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

Repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda

''I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president.''

—President George W. Bush, as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

''See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.''

—President George W. Bush, Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

''You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.''

—President George W. Bush, to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test

''As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.''

--President George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007

''For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.

—President George W. Bush, Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

''You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''

—President George W. Bush, Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

When we talk about war, we're really talking about peace

''I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.''

—Presidential candidate George W. Bush, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

''Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job.''

—President George W. Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his job performance, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

''I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

''You're working hard to put food on your family.''

—Presidential candidate George W. Bush, Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

One of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror

''Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?''

—George W. Bush, Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

''You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.''

—President George W. Bush, interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

''There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.''

—President George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002.

Stupid, Stupid Stupid #2

''This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.''

—President George W. Bush, as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002

''Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.''

—Presidential candidate George W. Bush, LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

''This is an impressive crowd — the haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base.''

—George W. Bush, at the annual Al Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner, Oct. 19, 2000

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid #1

''Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004

''I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

''If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!''

--George W. Bush, Bellevue Community College, Nov. 2, 2000

I never liked those slippers...

"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart, on George W. Bush

I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency

"Former President George W. Bush will be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water-boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman

"No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it." –David Letterman

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno

"I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous.

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman 

He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

That was him thinking all the time. Really?

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman