you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls (Ted Kennedy's margarita salt)

"Ex-head of FEMA Michael Brown will be addressing Congress about the response to Katrina. Yeah, apparently he's almost ready to send help down there." --David Letterman

"The Senate offices were evacuated when they found a suspicious substance. Turned out it was just Ted Kennedy's margarita salt." --David Letterman

"It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls." --Stephen Colbert

Today Bush announced he's forming a coalition of cartoon characters (Junior Jumble)

"Former FEMA director Michael Brown is testifying before a Senate panel today. He was supposed to testify last week, but he just got there." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is taking this very, very seriously. He's now asking all cartoon characters not to travel to the Middle East." --Jay Leno, on the Danish cartoon controversy

"President Bush not taking this danger lying down. Today he announced he's forming a coalition of cartoon characters." --Jay Leno

"President Bush asked people around the world to stop the violence that has erupted over controversial cartoons in a Danish newspaper. President Bush said instead, let's go after the guy who makes the Junior Jumble so hard." --Conan O'Brien 

Show us your boobs! (bringing democracy to Louisiana, Mississippi and Florida)

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

"This Mardi Gras will be a little different. This year when drunks yell up at the balcony, ' 'Show us your boobs!' Michael Brown and Michael Chertoff walk out." --Bill Maher

"Those two guys were up before the congressional Committee this week, which issued the report on Katrina, which lambasted the White House for wasting billions of dollars that was stolen, lost, we don't know where it is. Bush said history will call that a small price to pay if we wind up bringing democracy to Louisiana and it spreads to Mississippi and Florida." --Bill Maher

And it rhymes with muster bluck

"The White House does not yet believe Iraq is in a civil war, though they did concede that a conflict has entered a new phase. And it rhymes with 'muster bluck.'" --Amy Poehler

"First Lady Laura Bush was on TV unveiling the White House menu for Christmas Dinner. For dessert, I guess they're going to feast on whatever or whoever Dick Cheney shoots that day." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A trainer at Sea World Adventure Park in San Diego was hospitalized Thursday after a killer whale grabbed him and twice held him under water during the show. On the bright side, the trainer did give up locations of three al Qaeda hideouts." --Seth Myers

"President Bush met with the Iraqi Prime Minister Maliki.  Afterwards President Bush said 'Maliki is the right man for the job.' Just to remind you, President Bush also said FEMA's Michael Brown was the right man for the job, Donald Rumsfeld, right man for the job, Tom DeLay was the right man for the job, which would be ok if Bush was the right man for the job." --Jay Leno

Releasing their strategic bladder reserves...

"Michael Brown, the former director of FEMA who was forced to resign after Hurricane Katrina, has criticized the president. He said Obama may have acted too quickly this time — instead of taking the wait-and-do-nothing approach that worked so well during Katrina." –Jimmy Kimmel



"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert





"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

When we talk about war, we're really talking about peace

''I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.''

—Presidential candidate George W. Bush, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

''Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job.''

—President George W. Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his job performance, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

''I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.''

—President George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

''You're working hard to put food on your family.''

—Presidential candidate George W. Bush, Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000