easiest game of “what’s wrong with this picture” Mike Pence has ever played (give it to the rich)

President Obama today awarded Vice President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom With Distinction, which is an honor only three other people have been given over the last 30 years. Then Biden gave Obama his highest honor, double finger guns with a wink. –Seth Meyers

The head of the office of government ethics said yesterday that the only way for Donald Trump to completely avoid conflicts of interest is to sell his assets and place them in a blind trust. Trump was like, “Fine, I trust Ivanka.” –Seth Meyers

Children’s magazine Highlights has announced that its next issue will include a picture of a same-sex couple for the first time in its 70-year history. Making it the easiest game of “what’s wrong with this picture” Mike Pence has ever played. –Seth Meyers

You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? (losing stature)

"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, talking about the port deal, he said we Americans have nothing to fear from the Dubai government running our ports. I know a good way for President Bush to convince everyone of that -- let the Dubai government handle his security. Hey if it's good enough for us, it should be good enough for him." --Jay Leno

"President Bush made a surprise trip to Afghanistan, and he promised the Afghanis that the United States would not cut and run. Then he got on his plane and left." --Conan O'Brien

This morning they denied Trump is running for president (can u spare a surplus?)

The Trump campaign isn't denying the authenticity of the forms, which is remarkable, considering the fact that they deny almost everything. This morning they denied Trump is running for president. –Jimmy Kimmel

LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Which Clinton says for her campaign is a real home run. –Seth Meyers

Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face-off tomorrow night in the only vice presidential debate of the election. The vice presidential debate is brought to you by white out. –Seth Meyers

Are you guys excited for the VP debate tomorrow night? Yeah, no, you're not. No you're not. Nobody is. –Seth Meyers

or as Trump calls it, “20 walls.” (2017 Obama)

Donald Trump taped an appearance on “Dr. Oz” today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, “At least you know what they’re putting in it.” Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby’s said, “You keep telling yourself that.” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s childhood home in Queens is going up for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump calls it, “20 walls.” –Jimmy Fallon

The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama’s college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama. –Jimmy Fallon

Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Target and never look back. –Jimmy Fallon

basket of deplorables meet the hamper of awkwardness (white blood cells)

It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump. –Stephen Colbert

Most damaging of all may have been a remark she made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump’s voters as a “basket of deplorables.” Wow. Hillary should put her insults in “the hamper of awkwardness.” –Stephen Colbert

It sounds like the worst-selling item at Edible Arrangements. Or maybe your cousin’s suburban punk band. Or even better, maybe the Korean translation of the “Minions” movie. –Stephen Colbert

Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton? (Dave & Buster’s claw machine)

Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton? –Seth Meyers

Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton’s current health concerns last night, and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you’ll trust Donald Trump’s doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster’s claw machine. –Seth Meyers

Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton’s health and said that she’s almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don’t know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F, and C. –Seth Meyers

Her doctors say she’s doing so well, she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time

Protesters rushed the stage during Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte’s performance — or as Ryan Lochte told the press afterwards, some Brazilians tried to rob him at gunpoint while he was dancing. –James Corden

There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s “just anxious to get back out there.” That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, “Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.” –James Corden

Her doctors say she’s doing so well, she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time. –James Corden

The study was paid for by guys who want to watch porn

A fistfight broke out at a Trump rally yesterday. Or, more accurately, a Trump rally broke out during a fistfight. –Conan O’Brien

A 700-pound woman is trying to hit 1,000 pounds to reach her goal of becoming the World’s Fattest Woman. Although, she still plans to put “700 pounds” on her Tinder profile. –Conan O’Brien

A new study came out and it claims that women would be better off going to bed two hours before men. The study was paid for by guys who want to watch porn. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer. –Conan O’Brien

I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper (SIX days off)

Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president. –Jimmy Fallon

A spokesman for the Royal Family says that Prince William and Kate Middleton’s upcoming family trip to Canada will be a “largely casual” and “highly outdoors” event. Then normal people said, “So ... camping. You’re going camping.” –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted “a few times.” Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper. –Conan O’Brien

Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka (Wait, you wanted me to save those?)

Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka." –Seth Meyers

Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. "Wait, you wanted me to save those?" said his doctor. –Seth Meyers

Last night was the big season premiere of “Dancing With the Stars.” And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, “They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!” –Jimmy Fallon

I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy.

But today on Fox News Trump actually said, "I just hope she gets well and gets back on the trail." I mean forget Hillary, is Trump OK? –James Corden

Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump's usual order at KFC. "I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy." –Seth Meyers

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus spoke out against Hillary Clinton's attack on Donald Trump's supporters and said, "Clinton's comments show outright contempt for ordinary people." Then again, so does the name Reince Priebus. –Seth Meyers

Come for our glorious sights, stay because you saw too much (Oh God, I might actually have to be the president)

North Korea is on a campaign to increase tourism. They have a new slogan, "Come for our glorious sights, stay because you saw too much." –Conan O’Brien

This weekend Hillary Clinton called half of Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. A basket of deplorables is not only an insult, but it's also the top-selling item at KFC. –James Corden

While in New York Hillary became overheated and had to leave an event to receive medical attention. It turns out that she had been diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday. I mean this was a scary moment for Donald Trump because he was thinking, "Oh God, I might actually have to be the president." –James Corden