The man never learns

"President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes." –David Letterman

"The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's not the first time Obama's done something like this. Remember that time he said The Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget — $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie 'Gravity.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee

"The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It's expected to go back up once the NFL season ends." –Conan O'Brien



"In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another 'Sex in the City' movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there's only so much they can take." –Conan O'Brien



"There's a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he's got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It's all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, 'Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee.'" –David Letterman



A bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other

"President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that's going on in the world, I'm surprised he didn't salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they're going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says 'Blockbuster Video.'" –Conan O'Brien



Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time

"According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday." –Jimmy Kimmel



"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name." –Jimmy Kimmel

Well, let's nominate this guy..

"This guy hopped the fence, ran across the White House lawn, and almost got inside the White House. And the Republicans said, 'Well, let's nominate this guy.'" –David Letterman

"Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media should be enough to put someone in jail. And if your mom is on Facebook, you know the answer is yes. Something has to stop her behavior." –Seth Meyers

Is 'The Amazing Race' running out of ideas?

"A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to the front door. Is it just me or is 'The Amazing Race' running out of ideas?" –Conan O'Brien



"Republican House Speaker John Boehner is facing criticism over a recent speech where he suggested that unemployed people are lazy. Boehner would clarify his statements, but he was on his second two-week break of the month." –Jimmy Fallon

The government is renaming those branches

"During President Obama's visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time." –Jimmy Fallon



"A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney." –Conan O'Brien



They could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts

"The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts." –Jimmy Kimmel
 


"The official ballot is one line: 'Should Scotland be an independent country?' And that's it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says 'Yes'?" –Jimmy Kimmel

It's a great way for fans to keep up with their favorite NFL players

"The White House today came out in support of requiring police officers to wear body cameras at all times. It's a great way for fans to keep up with their favorite NFL players." –Seth Meyers

"Problems for the NFL continue. Last week Nike suspended Ray Rice's contract and today they suspended Adrian Peterson's contract. So now Nike is down to Oscar Pistorius and Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien



I got dibs!

"This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes 'yes,' it will also leave the European Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin put it, 'I got dibs!'" –Jimmy Fallon 



"Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison population. It's expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34 teams." –Conan O'Brien



Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's brother Doug Ford has announced that he'll be running in his brother's place. I don't think it's a good sign that in the Ford family, Doug is known as 'the crazy one.'" –Seth Meyers

"South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL." –Conan O'Brien

It's God's way of testing their faith

"Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton's high-profile return to the state. He'll spend two days there – one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze." –Jimmy Fallon



"Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called 'Nuns on the Bus' kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith." –Jimmy Fallon 



War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas

"The president went on TV and explained that our new operation against ISIS is not a war. War is what FOX News does to defend Christmas." –Bill Maher

"British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote 'no' on leaving the U.K. He said, 'It's never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and . . . I'll stop talking now.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Congress is now criticizing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for not acting swiftly enough. You know you're slow if you're being criticized by Congress for not acting swiftly enough." –David Letterman



A tragic case of trash on trash violence

"Sarah Palin's whole family got into a drunken, public fistfight. Something police are calling a tragic case of trash on trash violence." –Bill Maher



"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher



Goodell said he will watch it in five months

"The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he will watch in five months." –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney we think is going run again. He says he has no plans to run, but he said if he did run, this time things would turn out differently. Yes they would. This time he would get his ass kicked by a woman." –Bill Maher



What could possibly go right?

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Dick Cheney had a closed door meeting with House Republicans to discuss foreign policy issues. He wanted to sit down with them and have a real heart to…whatever is in there at this point." –Jimmy Fallon



"Congress sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday demanding 'the highest level of transparency' concerning the league's handling of the Ray Rice domestic violence incident. That's right, Congress sent him a letter. They would have sent a video, but they wanted Goodell to see it.' –Seth Meyers

We ought to make the pie higher

"(Yogi Berra's) been an inspiration to me — not only because of his baseball skills but, of course, for the enduring mark he left on the English language. Some of the press corps even think he might be my speechwriter." —George W. Bush, hosting baseball Hall of Famers at the White House

"If they would read it closely they would see I'm using the transitive plural tense so the word 'is' are correct." —George W. Bush, explaining at the Radio & TV Correspondents Dinner the brilliance behind his infamous remark "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"It is a very complicated economic point I was making there. Believe me, what this country needs is taller pie." —George W. Bush, explaining what he meant when he said "We ought to make the pie higher"

Hey, that's my campaign slogan

"Our former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, returned today to Sacramento, where they unveiled his official portrait. They do this for all the governors, even the ones who were in 'The Expendables.'" –Jimmy Kimmel 


"Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, 'Challenge accepted!' Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, 'Hey, that's my campaign slogan.'" –Jimmy Fallon 



Just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter

"This weekend a Native American group gathered outside of the Houston-Washington game to protest the Redskins' nickname. And a group of Cowboys wide receivers gathered outside of the Dallas-San Francisco game because that's where most of Tony Romo's passes were landing." –Seth Meyers



"This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It's an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter." –Seth Meyers




Look at the size of those dominoes

"President Obama visited Stonehenge. It was going well until Biden said, 'Look at the size of those dominoes.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Reportedly the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, finally has been revealed. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games." –Conan O'Brien 



Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador

"Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." –David Letterman

"Happy Birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who turns 52 years old tomorrow. The star of TLC's show 'Cake Boss' is actually making the cake for Chris Christie's birthday party. In fact, I hear he's even making the cake in the shape of Christie's favorite thing: cake." –Jimmy Fallon