"This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave
the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes 'yes,' it will also leave the European
Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin
put it, 'I got dibs!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison
population. It's expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34
teams." –Conan O'Brien
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