"According to a new poll, over 50 percent of New Yorkers say
they won't vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what. The other 50 percent say
they're going to wait until they see all the other candidates' penises. It's
called comparison shopping." –Conan O'Brien
"According to a new study, most men would like women to
occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would
occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job."
–Conan O'Brien
"Some park rangers in California found a plot on which
someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by
humans, but I wouldn't rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months
a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to
find food, and their leader's name is Smokey." –Jimmy Kimmel
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