The state also changed its name to Chillinois

"At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan's smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain's getting old. He also said he'd consider voting for oatmeal." –Craig Ferguson