Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians

"According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians." –Jay Leno



"In defending the budget deal, Congressman Paul Ryan quoted the Rolling Stones and said, 'You can't always get what you want.' When it comes to Congress, here's a better Stones quote: 'Can't get no satisfaction.' How about that?" –Jay Leno



"Political correctness is in full swing this holiday season. Kids can't even call Santa's helpers 'elves' anymore. They have to be known as 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno