I've wanted to represent the great people of Texas since the day I was spawned (To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol)

Next up is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. His closing statement is, "I've wanted to represent the great people of Texas since the day I was spawned."  --Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key — just 50 or 60 costume changes. –Jimmy Fallon

Uh, guys, listen to this. A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during alcohol awareness week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club? (They planet)

"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon

"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh my God. What's labor? (Don’t Stop Believing)

"Speaking of Mitt Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis." –Jimmy Fallon

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Kate Middleton went into labor this morning in London. When the rest of the royal family heard, they were like, 'Oh my God. What's labor?'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Scariest Campfire Story (Wait, was it me?)

And we’re still getting to know Donald Trump’s new

communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw

that his friends like to call him “the Mooch.” When

Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna

call Don Jr. and Eric?” –Jimmy Fallon

But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. His healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.” –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, two senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump "crazy." And when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like, "Wait, was it me?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I'm going to need another clue (Surprise me! Just go for it!)

Another big story is Donald Trump's feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, "Time will tell." When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, "Ask again later." –Jimmy Fallon

Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!” –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Madden: Indianapolis Colts vs Cincinnati Bengals

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

CNN “Journalist” Defends Biden/Facebook Censorship Regime | SYSTEM UPDATE

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you (It's a combo platter)

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot. –Jimmy Fallon

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you. –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Democracy Now: "FBI-Orchestrated Conspiracy": Judge Orders Release of 3 of Newburgh 4 Tied to Fake NY Bomb Plot

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles (Actually, my name's Ricky)

Bernie Sanders said that he knows people are disappointed in the results of the primaries, saying, “I think it’s fair to say nobody is more disappointed than I am.” At which point, Jeb Bush threw his empty Hagen Daazs container at the TV. –Jimmy Fallon

Scientists from Indiana discovered that an 8-year-old orangutan named Rocky can mimic human voices and copy words in a conversational way. But it got awkward when the first thing he said was, "Actually, my name's Ricky.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice performed a duet with Aretha Franklin at a charity event. Not to be outdone, President Bush played tambourine on three songs with The Wiggles." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Joe Rogan SCHOOLS Jim Gaffigan On Lab Leak, Gain-of-Function Research

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Kamala Harris' WORD SALADS Are Biden Admin's 2024 WEAPON?! Admin To 'GROW VP's PRESENCE': CNN

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

EMAILS: Biden CENSORED Lab Leak On Facebook | Breaking Points

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bill Murray knows it's Monday but... (You're Awesome)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not opening that/What is start drinking at noon?/Unless you ask me two more times

"It's been a rough week for Anthony Weiner. His campaign manager in the race for mayor just quit because of Weiner's newest scandal. And it's tough finding a replacement because every time he emails someone, they're like, 'I'm not opening that.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Alex Trebek is hinting that he might retire from “Jeopardy!” in 2020. When asked what he’ll do in retirement, Trebek said, “What is start drinking at noon?” --Jimmy Fallon

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Sam Bankman-Fried - This Is Complete Garbage

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: “YOU Will Own NOTHING!” - The Global Economic War Aimed At YOU!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Stef Zamarano with Anya Parampil: Why Does Kamala's Image Need Boosting?

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Grayzone: John Mearsheimer: Ukraine war is a long-term danger

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: Yes, These Scientists LIED To You About COVID!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

MLB The Show: Arizona Diamondbacks (S15 G 130-141)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Spacemen 3 - These Blues

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Stereolab - Tone Burst (Country) [Split 7]

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Eddie Harris - Samba Para Dos

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Dems—& Bernie Sanders—Nuke Oversight for Ukraine Billions | SYSTEM UPDATE

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Sabby Sabs: AOC "Regular Old DEMOCRAT" (clip)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Russell Brand with Oliver Stone: The CIA Killed JFK?! Why They Are REALLY Blocking Classified Docs

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Jimmy Dore: Judge CANCELS Hunter Biden’s Sweetheart Plea Deal!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

READ Bill Gates' 'RAMBLING' Emails To Jeffrey Epstein; Did Sex Trafficker BLACKMAIL Bill Clinton?!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

Matt Taibbi REACTS To Dems' Attempted CENSORSHIP Of RFK Jr At Capitol Hill Hearing

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors (negative 3 percent/Also, you drink it now)

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors. –Stephen Colbert

There's so much surplus meat that pork processors recently have reduced some hours at plants, and some plants even have turned away hogs. Ugh, can you imagine being a hog trying to get past the velvet rope at the slaughterhouse? "Come on, man, my cousin's already in there. He's a giant hog. Man, this is whack, I cleaned all the mud off myself for nothing." All of this surplus meat has led to a desperate new ad campaign: "Beef: It's what's for dinner. And breakfast, and lunch. Also, you drink it now." --Stephen Colbert

In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Corrupt Ukraine Defense Minister’s Daughter Buys $7 Million French House! Huh?

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: Earpods That Read Your Thoughts Being Used By Employers!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Madden: Indianapolis Colts vs Baltimore Ravens (Super Bowl)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: Ukraine Jailing American Journalist WITH U.S. PERMISSION!

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Jimmy Dore: JFK’s Most Amazing Speech On Peace

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dem Rep. Plaskett Lies About Deep Epstein Ties, w/ Lee Fang | SYSTEM UPDATE

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them (Plus, he’s the state fruit)

According to a report released by the Justice Department's internal watchdog, former FBI director James Comey used a personal Gmail account on numerous occasions to conduct FBI business. And when she heard that, Hillary Clinton punched a wall so hard the building collapsed. --Seth Meyers

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them. –Seth Meyers

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”