he’s only tied with low-fat milk

Bud Light has created a new device that alerts you when the beer supply in your fridge is running low. The device is known as your roommate Chad. –Conan O’Brien

General Mills is recalling a number of Cheerios products because some boxes that were labeled gluten-free were not gluten-free. As a result, 1.8 million boxes of Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios are being removed from the shelves at stores. This sounds to me like the work of that evil dictator, Vladimir Gluten. –Jimmy Kimmel

Martin O’Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, is running for president. He’s at 2 percent in the polls. He’s been in the race eight months, and he’s only tied with low-fat milk. –Jimmy Fallon