Especially if you read it while you're on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney

"The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney." –Jay Leno



"Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin." –Craig Ferguson
 


"Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote 'heads exploding' in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you're on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon



John Hulse painting

Cheney would still invade the wrong country...

"Dick Cheney says that when people in Washington read his new book, 'heads will be exploding.' When Cheney says heads will be exploding, he means it." –Craig Ferguson 

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman



"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman



John Hulse painting

George W. Bush would go to Legoland

"The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West, and George Bush would go to Legoland." –Conan O'Brien 

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. " –David Letterman



"Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

Blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote

"Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun." –Stephen Colbert

‎

"Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote." -- Stephen Colbert



John Hulse painting

It’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins

"Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him." –Conan O'Brien 





"A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins." –Jimmy Kimmel 

John Hulse painting

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men

"Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Mitt Romney is calling Obama's bus tour the 'Magical Misery Tour,' which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel



John Hulse painting

Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.

"Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'" –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

yada yada yada, Rick Perry!

"He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!" –Jon Stewart



"If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'" –Jon Stewart

 

John Hulse painting

Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex

"Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter." –Stephen Colbert 

"In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex." –Stephen Colbert



"Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis." –Stephen Colbert

John Hulse painting

Well, I wasn’t going to marry him...

"Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel



"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel


John Hulse painting

She won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest

"Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'" –Conan O'Brien



"Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is." –Conan O'Brien 



John Hulse painting

She said no, but her husband is...

"Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is." –Jay Leno



"The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch." –Jay Leno



"Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds

"Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman." –Stephen Colbert

‎

"It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds." –Jay Leno



"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us in debt?" –Jay Leno 



John Hulse painting

She's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington

"During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails." –Jimmy Fallon 



"Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington." –Jon Stewart



"Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy." –Stephen Colbert

‎ 

John Hulse painting

Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney

"Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words." –Jimmy Fallon



"The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

He's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote

"Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote." –Conan O'Brien



"Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for 'Playboy' and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples." –Jimmy Kimmel



Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing

"Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there." –Jimmy Kimmel 



  

"Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing." –Jimmy Fallon



"Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award." –Jay Leno





It's about small-brained creatures who rise up...

"Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for." –Jon Stewart 

"'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties." –Jay Leno



"Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel



There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me

"Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann 'The Queen of Rage.' Michele says, 'There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me.'" –Conan O'Brien



"New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'" –Conan O'Brien 



"Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'" –Conan O'Brien



The other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked

"The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?" –Jimmy Kimmel



"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel



Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump"

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump." –Daily Show tweet



"By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?" –Jon Stewart

"Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning." –Jay Leno



John Hulse painting

I got shot in the head for this?

"We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'" –Bill Maher 

"A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

John Hulse painting

Fox News takes on Spongebob Squarepants!

"I was watching Fox News today. I lost a bet." –David Letterman 

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien



How many would rather vote for the straw?

"A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'" –Jimmy Fallon



"Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?" –Jay Leno 

"According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'" –David Letterman 

It's not the heat that gets you, it's the stupidity.

"Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity." –Jay Leno 

"Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists." –David Letterman 

The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga...

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien



"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien



John Hulse photography

It's what they call a 'two-step' deal

"We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?" –Jay Leno



"It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class." –Jay Leno 



"The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough." –David Letterman



John Hulse photography

Remember, there is no 'I' in Iowa!'

"New Jersey governor Chris Christie was released from the hospital today. Good news. I guess he had some blockage or something. He told reporters he feels "fabulous." When Michele Bachman's husband heard that, he said, "We have a clinic that can cure you of that! We can fix that." –Jay Leno

"Some big election news. It's rumored that Sarah Palin will announce her presidential campaign at a Labor Day rally in Iowa. Palin has a great speech planned — she's like, 'We have to do this as a team! Remember, there is no 'I' in Iowa!'" –Jimmy Fallon

He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza

"Gov. Chris Christie was hospitalized yesterday, he had trouble breathing. He first noticed there was a problem when he had difficulty inhaling a pizza." –Bill Maher



"Christie was in the supermarket, and he felt a tightness in his chest, and then he realized he got stuck in the dairy case. He's OK. The hospital today upgraded his condition to gigantic. The doctors say he was already up and about, and taking helicopters to travel 20 feet." –Bill Maher



Once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something

"One of the leading Tea Partiers, Congressman Joe Walsh, he famously went on YouTube and wagged his finger at Obama and said, 'Have you no shame, Mr. President?' It turns out he is $117,000 delinquent in his child support. Have you irony, Mr. Congressman? He had an excuse. He said his kids don't have a child support problem; they have a spending problem." –Bill Maher



"The Republicans attached 39 riders to the bill repealing environmental protection laws. One of them forbade the government to add any more animals to the endangered species list. Sorry, woodpeckers, but once we get rid of Social Security the old people are going to have to eat something." –Bill Maher



He celebrated quietly with half his money

"The government is just a few days from running out of money to pay their bills. The latest plan is to see how much cash they can get for John McCain on 'Antiques Roadshow.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. He celebrated quietly with half his money." –David Letterman



"The whole Congress has to stay there for the whole weekend. The Tea Party Republicans are especially pissed off at this — a lot of them had to cancel their Civil War Reenactments." –Bill Maher 

I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today...

"Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by Aug. 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?" –Jimmy Kimmel 

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno



"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno