Of two evils, choose neither (Now I’m good at everything)

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. --Demetri Martin

My computer beat me a chess but then I beat him at kickboxing. --Demetri Martin

I think batteries are the most traumatic objects of all the objects. Because other things they stop working or they break. The batteries? They die. “Why aren’t you using your walkman?” I can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning. The twins are gone.  --Demetri Martin

I used to compete in sports a lot but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation (maybe it's the car that has the problem)

"A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto, on Friday, for a two-hour conversation, where George Bush plans on being the first person ever to lose a conversation." --Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs. And that's just selling lava lamps at Spencer's Gifts." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They are going to rename it the New England Patriot Act (it's not that inconceivable)

"Well, as you know, this past weekend, the government announced a massive bailout of mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. To give you an idea how big this bailout is, they actually had to tell President Bush about it." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush is now pushing Congress to expand the government's ability to spy on Americans now that the current phone tap bill has expired. In fact, to gain support for a new spying Bill, they're bringing in coach Bill Belichick. Yeah. They are going to rename it the New England Patriot Act." --Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, it's been mentioned that Barack Obama may still pick a woman for VP, but not Hillary Clinton. Yeah. Well today, a top Hillary Clinton supporter named Lanny Davis said it was 'inconceivable' that Obama would pick another woman over Hillary, to which Bill said, 'it's not that inconceivable.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The seven states that Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama (Choose Neither)

It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama. –James Corden

An analysis of Google shows that searches related to the phrase "How can I move to Canada" spiked last night about 350 percent. Americans always threaten to move to Canada when a reality show host endorsed by the KKK becomes the Republican nominee. –James Corden

Do you know how wrong you have to be for a Pope to dislike you? I mean the Pope's entire thing is literally forgiveness. Pope John Paul hung out with the guy who tried to assassinate him and now Pope Francis is like, "I can't with this Trump guy. I can't." –James Corden

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin only to find out later that it is a 1500 year old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable. To get that close to chocolate only to be disappointed. It’s a real bummer. She probably should have known it wasn’t a chocolate coin when she found it using a metal detector. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves (Of two evils, choose neither)

October 2013

“After the shutdown debacle, the tea party's approval rating is 23 percent. In other words, it's the first time the tea party has ever been supported by a minority.” –Conan O’Brien

“In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday John McCain said the government shutdown was worse than the one in '95. That's 1795. He was 44 at the time, cleaning a musket for his son.” –Conan O’Brien

“Chris Christie said if one of his children were gay, he would, quote, hug them and tell them I love them. Of course, he said the same thing about the Keebler Elves.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”