The closest I ever came is when I was born (77% disapproval rating!)

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself...and of course the boogieman."--Pat Paulsen (1968)

"All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."--Pat Paulsen (1968)

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I ever came is when I was born.--Demetri Martin

"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word." –John Oliver

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Of two evils, choose neither (Now I’m good at everything)

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. --Demetri Martin

My computer beat me a chess but then I beat him at kickboxing. --Demetri Martin

I think batteries are the most traumatic objects of all the objects. Because other things they stop working or they break. The batteries? They die. “Why aren’t you using your walkman?” I can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning. The twins are gone.  --Demetri Martin

I used to compete in sports a lot but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, I’m not good at a lot of things vs Now I’m good at everything! (a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time)

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. --Demetri Martin

I was on the train and I heard this guy say to his friend, “Man I'm really good at checkers.” Which is the same as saying, “Man, I’m not good at a lot of things.” --Demetri Martin

My computer beat me a chess but then I beat him at kickboxing. --Demetri Martin

I used to compete in sports a lot but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m standing right behind you (Super Busy Hospital)

I like video games but they're very violent. I want to design a video game that makes you take care of all the people who have been shot in all the other video games. “Hey man, what are you playing?” Super Busy Hospital. --Demetri Martin

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that has 40,000 pieces. When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”  --Demetri Martin

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me. She said, “What size are you?” And I said, Actual. --Demetri Martin

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before everybody else shows up. I take like 30 bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up behind them, because when they open the bottle, inside there's a note that says, “I’m standing right behind you.”  --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning. The twins are gone (Now I’m good at everything)

My computer beat me a chess but then I beat him at kickboxing. --Demetri Martin

I think batteries are the most traumatic objects of all the objects. Because other things they stop working or they break. The batteries? They die. “Why aren’t you using your walkman?” I can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning. The twins are gone.  --Demetri Martin

I used to compete in sports a lot but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. --Demetri Martin

I saw a sign that said watch for children, and I thought that sounds like a fair trade.  --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, I’m not good at a lot of things (Especially if your teammates are bad guessers)

I like playing guitar when I do my jokes. I actually started playing guitar quite a while ago as a street performer. It was difficult though because I was in the suburbs. There wasn’t a lot of foot traffic. --Demetri Martin

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. --Demetri Martin

I was on the train and I heard this guy say to his friend, “Man I'm really good at checkers.” Which is the same as saying, “Man, I’m not good at a lot of things.” --Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.  Especially if your teammates are bad guessers. --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What if I told you... (I’m standing right behind you)

I like video games but they're very violent. I want to design a videogame that makes you take care of all the people who have been shot in all the other video games. “Hey man, what are you playing?” Super Busy Hospital. --Demetri Martin

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that has 40,000 pieces. When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”  --Demetri Martin

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me. She said, “What size are you?” And I said, Actual. --Demetri Martin

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before everybody else shows up. I take like 30 bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up behind them, because when they open the bottle, inside there's a note that says, “I’m standing right behind you.”  --Demetri Martin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The mark of an educated mind (that sounds like a fair trade)

My computer beat me a chess but then I beat him at kickboxing. --Demetri Martin

I think batteries are the most traumatic objects of all the objects. Because other things they stop working or they break. The batteries? They die. “Why aren’t you using your walkman?” I can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning. The twins are gone.  --Demetri Martin

I used to compete in sports a lot but then I realized that you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything. --Demetri Martin

I saw a sign that said watch for children, and I thought that sounds like a fair trade.  --Demetri Martin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time (bad guessers)

I like playing guitar when I do my jokes. I actually started playing guitar quite a while ago as a street performer. It was difficult though because I was in the suburbs. There wasn’t a lot of foot traffic. --Demetri Martin

There is a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name Futon World. It makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time. --Demetri Martin

I was on the train and I heard this guy say to his friend, “Man I'm really good at checkers.” Which is the same as saying, “Man, I’m not good at a lot of things.” --Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.  Especially if your teammates are bad guessers. --Demetri Martin

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”